Thursday, April 14, 2011

Sexy Sea Anemones

Before I begin this less than scientific entry on the sea anemone, I would like to explain why I am writing about it. Firstly, I requested topics on Twitter to write about and this is all that came up... so to speak. Secondly, I saw a lot of potential to make dirty jokes. Rude not to. So, with that in mind, be prepared for a piss-take of one of God's lovely creatures...

The sea anemone (SA) is related to the jellyfish and other such species. We'll just get that out of the way. Most of the time, varieties of SA remain suctioned to the underneath of a surface, like a rock. They're cylindrical in shape... in other words, they're an gelatinous phallus. With the exception of the tentacles being at the end of their form as opposed to the base, they more or less fit the description grotesquely and perfectly. The tentacles release toxins, which seems to suggest this thing is capable of transmitting STDs, some of which can induce paralysis. Basically, it's a predators that looks like it's sexually abusing its prey.

Okay, it actually gets worse. See, the mouth is at the end of the cylinder, so it paralyses its prey before eating it. Unfortunately for the SA, its mouth is also its ass, so everything it eats ends up being passed out the same way it came in. Wonderful, isn't it? Gotta thank evolution we didn't end up like that!

And, even more dreadful for some species of SA, they reproduce asexually. This is where the tweeted suggestion comes in... "the masturbatory fantasies of sea anemones". Imagine a creature that can't masturbate for fear of reproducing! This thing can only imagine what it's like, getting pleasure without having to split in two. Yes, that's right, split in two. Thanks to being a penis made of jelly, these things can just divide when they reproduce this way. Some varieties use the old fashioned sperm and egg technique, but the asexual ones can only dream of being that way.

Imagine being the laughing stock of your species! You can't mate, you can't think of sexual pleasure, and when you reproduce (with yourself!) you become half of what you once were. How much would that suck? (no pun intended... the SA, asexual or otherwise, knows nothing of sexual pleasure in this way, due to the tentacles of their sexual partners, and the fact that they also take a dump out of their mouths.

Wow, this has been a filth-filled post. Here, let me make it up to you.


Better, or Worse?
It would be so much better if things like the SA didn't exist on the Internet, and instead all jellyfish and related species were like the good old-fashioned Tentacool from the early Pokémon games. That way, you wouldn't have something that looks like a sexual organ and craps out its mouth, right before splitting itself in two.

Filthy jokes aside, of course, I hope you are now somewhat educated in the wonders of nature and the fantastically absurd creature known as the sea anemone. If anyone can explain its purpose in this world, please don't hesitate to put me in my place. I wrote this as a joke, but I'm genuinely interested in the creature's purpose in this world.

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