A Bad Seven Months

A recurring question in interviews seems to be to ask someone what the most difficult period of their life is. I don't understand that. I don't know why, if there are no guarantees that someone has moved past that period, anyone would ask that question.

So here's the thing - I don't want to be asked that. If anyone wants to know what, at the time of writing this blog post, the worst period of my life was, they can just look here, for a glimpse at that time. There's some stuff I'd rather not talk about at all, online, which you'll just have to accept. Anyway...

It started in February 2010. In the space of a week, I lost my job, an online friend went missing, and - less catastrophically, more upsetting with the others happening at the same time - my iPod broke. (Actually, it was dropped on the floor by someone else and broke, but that's not the point.)

I felt broken inside, lost and confused and with no idea how any of this was going to pan out. I didn't know how I'd fund any sort of writing career, if I ever hoped to have one, and I didn't know whether or not my friend was going to turn up safely.

While Darren Shan helped me cope with the job-loss-writer-problems, bad news was around the corner. My friend, a young writer by the name of Jonny Havron, was found. He had fallen into a river on a night out with some friends.

A couple of months later, my aunt was admitted into hospital, having just given birth to her second child. She went into a coma, and stayed that way - undiagnosed - for several weeks. During that time, while studying for exams, we had to accept that this was not going to end well - if she woke up, she wouldn't be the same. If they couldn't wake her up, she would remain in a coma. And if they couldn't fix what was wrong with her, she would die.

I can't say I coped very well with that idea, the finality of which hit the week after my exams. It took a lot for my best friend to calm me down over the phone.

A couple of weeks later, after a "successful" diagnosis of vasculitis in her brain, she entered the recovery stages. When she eventually woke up, she had no memory of giving birth, of naming her daughter, of feeling ill before her hospital visit.

There's more, things the family as a whole are still dealing with, but four years later she's still in permanent care. She's not the same woman she used to be, emotionally, mentally, in terms of personality, but she recognises her children, she recognises her husband, and she has some good days when she makes her family laugh.

Anyway, back to 2010.

After six months of hell, between the job (which I got back - Rise of the Phoenix sort of stuff with the company), my friend, my exams, and my aunt, I was on edge. That's putting it lightly.

The icing on the cake came in September, when my best friend - the same person who calmed me down after our fears over my aunt - left college. (There were circumstances, but that's not my story to tell.) That tore me up inside in ways I can't really describe (not without explaining the circumstances, anyway.)

It felt like I'd lost him as a friend - which I didn't, not really - and after everything else I'd gone through, it just felt like too much. It was a couple of months before I really integrated myself back into social groups properly, and longer still before I could talk about a lot of this stuff with people without getting upset all over again.

I'm putting it all down now for one very clear reason: this isn't something I want to talk about all the time. This is a time in my life I want to put behind me. I will always remember it, but I don't want it to rule me, and I don't want it to be something other people fixate on about me.

Let it be clear: I have moved beyond these seven months of my life. I finished my degree. I published my first book. I'm about to start a Masters - which I saved up for myself. I'm happy with my life, and the fact that it took me a long time to say that doesn't make it any less true. Sure, this isn't the full story, but the end result is the same. In the four years since all of this, I've learned to cope, I've learned to grow, and I've done a lot to make myself proud.

Ideally

Worked sucked today. I mean, there was nothing different about it, except that it was unusually hot out. I just didn't want to be there. It's not the first time that's happened, mind you. Every time, it makes me think about what I'd prefer to be doing.

I think you know where this is going: I'd prefer to be writing for at least the money I'm on in the shop. I think the key words there being "at least". I'm not exactly earning a huge amount each week in that shop, even when I work the bank holiday. It's definitely not enough to move out of my parents' house on.

This is where I spend a lot of time planning, how to actually follow through on my dream to write for a living. Being a novelist isn't exactly the gold-mine that a lot of people think it is (and by that, I mean if you have a traditional publishing deal!). So, I'm focusing on a couple of different areas:

- Freelancing. I've been putting it off. Fear of rejection, etc. etc. You know, the usual crap that stops people doing things they actually want to do. However, if I get past that fear and get into freelancing and receive anything close to what I did for my Writing Magazine article (publishing back in the October issue), four articles per month would be worth more to me than my job right now.

- Publishing. It's a ball that's been rolling for a while, but it's really picking up this summer. However, as with all things writing, there's going to be a fair amount of uncertainty around it for a long time. I won't have an average earnings report (for myself) until about six months of publishing a higher volume of titles. All I know is, I need to sell a fair few books each month to match my income from the bookshop.

- Fiverr. I'm tempted to get really serious about a couple of ideas there. I know I can do a couple of things quickly enough that charging $5 for them won't kill me. If I did it for even a little while moderately successfully, I'll be earning a happy little income.

- Submissions. Less certain than anything else so far. I mean poety. I mean short stories. I mean novels. And editors are looking for the best of the best. It's not that I don't think I've written anything worth publishing. The problem, as is the problem for every capable writer, is in finding the editor who wants to publish what you've submitted.

- Advertising. I'm starting a couple of new blogs in the coming months, which will be ad-supported. At the same time, I'll be picking up on my YouTube channel (which now has ads enabled). It's an uncertain earner, but it could - in the long run - provide some sort of financial help.

The only other options I can see right now are getting into affiliate sales more seriously than ever before, or finding a new job. The latter's been on my mind for a long time, now. Almost six years in the same shop, working only weekends, wasn't so bad when I wasn't actually qualified for anything. While I don't plan on teaching for at least a year, I have to consider how to put my degree to use in other ways.

What it all comes down to, though, is making the job I have less...sucky. I think the fact that I'm dependent on the money and there's not much of it - or much responsibility in the job - is bringing me down. If I wasn't tied to this one place as my only source of income, I don't think it would bother me so much. And if I actually  took the chance to get into the sun while it was here, that wouldn't hurt, either.

Middle Class Poverty

First thing's first: when I refer to "poverty" in this post, I'm really just talking about not having any money in my bank account. I know there are people in much worse situations. This is relative poverty. With that said...

I've been tracking my poverty since the Christmas hours in work were given out. It's fair to say I'm going to be poor with the presents I have to get and the various social gatherings I'm expected at (one a week for three weeks in a row). While I'm not complaining that I have plans (for once), I'd like to at least be able to say I have money afterwards. I don't think it's going to be a possibility.

It's one of those times when I really wish I had more hours in work. While I like working only weekends, the 1-5 shifts I get on Saturdays (yes, a whole four hours...) really don't do it when it comes to saving money. I have the same sort of expenses every week. I have to spend around ten euro a week just getting to college - not a massive amount in and of itself, but it adds up every week. On top of that, I have my own particular buying habits... I've been buying comics a lot, lately, but I'm cutting down on the number I get now. Aside from not really enjoying some of the stories, I can't afford fifteen euro a week every week.

Anyway, in order to actually track how little money I would have, I've had to write how much I'll be getting each week and write in the costs for the days involved. It will work a lot better if I can plan it more expansively, but I don't really know how much certain things will cost. The way things have worked out, I've had to spread out the buying of presents over a number of weeks. I literally cannot afford to buy them all in one go, like some people. It also doesn't help that I don't know what I'm getting some people yet, either.

I write about this, of course, because it's an insight into what I can only determine as being a first world problem. I very much doubt that people in poorer countries worry about the extras at this time of the year. For them, it's more about survival.

For me, survival means having the money to go out with friends, to get something for my parents and brothers at Christmas, to maintain the same sort of life I led before the holiday season came in. I'm glad we don't exchange presents in college, or I'd be in trouble. (Read as: they wouldn't get anything...)

Every year I tell myself it will be different, but then something new and shiny comes along and steals my money. Though, in my defence, the main thing that cost me a lot of money this year was my trip to Taizé, which I had to go on for college. (I didn't have to do the module, but in choosing it I had to pay up.) I paid for this trip myself (what was left of the cost, after the college subsidy) and that pretty much drained my bank account. Suffice to say it hasn't yet forgiven me.

There are things I could do to try get more money, obviously, but they're mainly based on chance and a lot of hard work. I could have tried to get some freelance writing work, but that goes on the assumption that (a) I get the job, (b) that I'm good enough, (c) that I had an idea in the first place and (d) that I wouldn't be overwhelmed with college work at any particular time. I could have set up ad-based material on my website but that wouldn't pay off quickly, and it would have required a lot of work in itself.

Long story short, I'm going to be repeatedly poor until my pay-days over the next month, I might have been able to do something about it, and this is very much a first world problem related to a middle-class student with a weekend job, living at home. Also, poverty sucks.

Perks of the Job

Unless you're new here, you know I have writing job at The Phantom Zone. It's what I sum up as being a geek website. That doesn't quite do it justice; essentially, it's site for articles and reviews relating to science fiction, fantasy and horror across film, comics, books and games. This covers quite a lot of what actually makes it into the mainstream media.

The job, for which I merely have to contribute somewhat regularly - recent delays are about to be explained - enables me to write about the films I go to see every weekend (well, almost every) because mostly they fall into one of the three above-named categories. The job also allows me to review books I love, because there's no exclusivity to "adult" market books, given the fact that kids and YA books are now being read by adults more freely. They're simpler and easier to get through, and that can make them more fun for a busy reader.

But the perks of the job get better, and this is what has delayed recent posts: I get to interview some of my favourite authors. I don't think The Phantom Zone has had too many interviews in the past, but General Zod, my editor, gave me permission to seek and publish interviews on the site. Following my review of The Warlock, I was able to then interview the author, Michael Scott, via Skype.

Now, that's why I've been so inactive on the site. The Skype call went on for a while. I recorded it, but I had to get the actual words of the call written down. I still have to put together an article around the quotes I'll be taking from the interview. But overall, it was a fun experience. Michael's very charismatic and he had a lot to say about his books and about writing. I have two more interviews lined up so far - one via email, the other unconfirmed. I've received a free copy of the first author's book, and I will be receiving a copy of the other author's. The fun part? The latter is one of my favourite authors. I can't wait to get to interview him for The Phantom Zone!

So, two free books so far. That's a plus. So far I haven't been paid - payment is, as advertised, based on ad-revenue - but that's okay for me, for now. I know I won't be cheated out of money from the editor. In the meantime, I can review books for the site and I've been given permission to do a number of different articles for the site, so it's simply a matter of picking and choosing when it appeals to me/when the time is right.

Even better, still, I get to call myself a professional writer. Yes, I'm still working at a slow rate - too slow to make a living if I was writing for print magazines or papers - but I will be getting paid for the job. I'm an actual (going-to-be) paid writer. That feels pretty damn amazing to say!

By the by, just so we're clear: unless Zod disapproves a book to be reviewed on The Phantom Zone, all my sci-fi, fantasy and horror reviews (including YA in those genres) will be posted there. I'll still have other book reviews of my own, here, just not in those genres. So... keep that in mind. My tastes haven't changed, I just have a job that I can use those reviews for. Also, because I'm now doing reading for two places, my reviews may not be as regular as usual (i.e. once a week on a Wednesday) but I will always attempt to write a couple of posts a week, unless I'm away from the blog entirely (for personal reasons, a holiday or an overload of college work, including teaching practice).

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to collapse from exhaustion after having watched several hours of the riots last night and being woken up early this morning. Until next time...

Finances

It's not often I talk about money; it's certainly a very private matter. I wouldn't ask someone how much they earned, for instance. Today, though, I spent the guts of two hours planning my finances between now and May. Now, I know straight away that this won't stand. Once I go back to college, I'll probably be out a lot more than I ought to be if I want to hang on to anything, and I'll probably spend at least a few euro a day on tea and chocolate...

What's important, though, is the planning itself. I've taken into account the birthdays of 28 family and friends, even though one of them earlier asked me not to get him a present. (I know - who doesn't like presents?) Anyway, 28 birthdays in the year. That's what I face. On minimum wage with only one day a week, it's a wonder I ever have money. Okay, admittedly last year I didn't have 28 birthdays... it was more like ten.

I avoided some assumptions, though. I only allowed myself to assume I'd still have a job, that I would be going to the Halloween and Christmas parties in college, and the night out at the end of the year. That's it, aside from the birthdays. I didn't take into account the fact that I'll be submitting stuff for publication, because that's unfairly assuming I'm good enough. Not just good enough - liked enough. I also didn't add in anything I might get at Christmas or my birthday. If I'm blessed with money at those times, okay, I'll add it in, then. But for now, I'm assuming there's nothing.

I haven't taken everything into account. I mean, that's impossible. I don't know how much I'll spend on new clothes for myself, on college books, on nights out, on trips to far off places. It's impossible to know all that. There might be a concert I want to go to, or a book I want to read.

But I'm planning. I'm planning everything, so that I can be prepared. At least then if the unfortunate happens (again) and I lose my job, I'll be able to just remove all sources of income from this plan to determine how much I'll have to last me until such time that it becomes a real problem. I was lucky, I suppose, to get my job back. Very lucky. Sure, I hadn't planned for it, so I spent all my money. Literally all of it. And I'm only catching up on things now, because I've had a few expenses to make up for. I won't actually have any money in my account until Monday or Tuesday, when my cheque goes through. Hopefully Monday. I'll check before the day's over.

Speaking of Monday and things I may have to plan for - my results are coming out. D-Day is upon us at least. I have two days, working one of them, to make sure I don't go absolutely crazy. Two whole days. I don't know if I'll last that long. Okay, so eight hours in work will help distract me. But then what? I've Doctor Who that night. Then I'm stuck for ideas. All day Sunday I'll be at home, wondering and worrying about whether or not I passed everything. I mean, if I have to, if the worst happens, repeat in August. As much as I'd like to be able to see people again, that's not the way I'd like to go about doing it.

So... I suppose I need to plan something else. I'll check with Miley Cyrus and see when she's moving back to Dublin. I'll see what I can do about having a pre-college party. But that's based on the assumption that my mum would be okay with it. I can afford food and whatnot for that night, anyway. My spreadsheet is telling me so.

Yes, I'm using a spreadsheet. Nerd Alert. It's actually pretty cool - I can change my hours to fit exactly what I'm rostered down for, so I'll always know how much I'm earning (like earlier - I changed my hours following a phone call from my boss), and I can add in stuff to whatever week I need to to see how much extra I'm spending. Or, if I don't spend all the money I planned to on something, I can fix the amount spent and see how much I have extra. It's dead handy. And it means that if a trip comes up in college, and I have to pay a deposit and then the rest later, I can make sure that I can pay the rest.

I just need to not spend all my money. I'm fairly sure I can do that. I have plans for stuff, yes. But not all at once. I've already split up a few things - a photo book I want to get printed, some books I want to buy, some CDs I want to order - so I'm not spending all my money in a single day (very possible to do with the Internet).

Now I just need to figure out what to get for upcoming birthdays. It's typical, isn't it - the present I knew I was getting is the one that I've been told I'm not allowed get a present for!

The Constant Struggle

I find my days are becoming something of a danger to my mind; one Friday, I was in very obvious shock at having lost my job, almost voicelessness by the time I went to bed. Saturday, following the email from Darren Shan, I'd been elated. That carried on until Sunday, but the past two days, I've wasted my time on games rather than on writing, and my mood has dropped right down again. I keep realising the fact that I have no job to go to this weekend, and then there's all my college work mounting up, the drama competition in just over a week, and before I know it I'm into my teaching practice, then my exams.

In the next three months, everything big in the college year is about to hit me all at once. And I still don't know if I'm going to the ball. I would have liked to have the decision made before I lost my job so I'd have no going back, but now the cost of the tickets and the clothes I'd have to get is just frightening. I know I don't have bills to pay, but I'd like to that, if I can't get a job, I'd at least have some way to continue to fund my social life, with both college friends and secondary school friends. And there's all the birthdays...

I've got five coming up in April. While Karl doesn't expect, and actually argues against, gifts, I still don't feel right not getting him anything. And the others... well, my dad and my older brother have to get a present, no doubt, and it's actually the latter's twenty-first... bugger. I wanted to be able to treat him properly at this time, not keep an eye on the money in my account when picking out what to get him. Then there's Sam and Sophie... I haven't seen Sam in months! Literally months. I've no idea what to get either of them.

And then add on the Poetry Against Cancer book... I'm looking forward to it, yes, but it's going to take a lot of time and energy to get this thing promoted.

Meanwhile, my reading for my tutorial tomorrow still isn't done, and I really can't concentrate on it. And I've got to think about something for my liturgy lecture tomorrow... I can feel a headache coming on just thinking about it.

To make matters worse, and I didn't think that after losing my job things could get worse, Jonny Havron has gone missing. For those of you who don't know, Jonny's a member of the Literary Den. He was, in fact, one of the earlier members. We all got to know him very well. But he hasn't been seen since Friday night. Andy texted me yesterday about it, but I never got around to blogging about it. Andy blogged about it, with details such as news articles and the number to call if you have any info. I urge you, if you know anything to help, please get in touch with the appropriate authorities.

Okay, I'm spent. Too much crap going on to write anymore. If reading this has brought you down, then I'm sorry. It's not my aim to get to people like that, only to vent so that I might feel better by the time I'm done... I kind of do, since it means I've actually written something today. It's not just consolation, though...

First Day

I've never experienced a Saturday off that I wasn't supposed to have off. The closest I got to that was when the English Paper 2 was shown on the wrong day in the Leaving Cert, and we had to sit the backup paper that Saturday. But other than that, I've been in work most Saturdays, or in work the Sunday instead.

Admittedly, I was still a little spooked about not having a job. I ended up on the phone to Sandra, one of my ex-collegues at Hughes and Hughes, and she's just as shaken up about it. And she almost lost her dog, but that's a different story. She hadn't heard anything about the company collapsing like this either. She did know that those present at the time of closing had paperwork to fill out... that'll be a fun thing to do... not!

I watched Glee to cheer myself up. Okay, so I almost cried at one point, but the destruction of teenage life kind of does that to me. Actually, the destruction of any believeable life in fiction does that to me. Not a bother on me in a ridiculously murderous movie like From Paris With Love, where many people get killed... they weren't believeable deaths. But Glee set me off, almost. At least the songs were great!

I emailed Darren Shan as well, to see if he might be able to shed some light on his own experiences with unemployment and writing. He went through practically the same thing, except his jobs weren't funding his writing, and he willingly gave one up. But he gave me some very sound advice and made me realise that I should take advantage of the time I have and do some work. As a result, I wrote a very short story that won't be used...ever... and around 13 Doctor Haik-Who. Okay, exactly thirteen. And I edited the same number of pages of Meet Sam, before I ran out of printed material. It was a load of fun though!

I printed that email too, to make sure I can always look at it and remember that I have something many people lack - time to write. Hughes and Hughes didn't give that to me, Darren Shan did. I might have wasted the day if I hadn't been told that.

Of course, I spent time watching television too. I watched Nanny McPhee with my mum while we had dinner, and Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. I've seen the latter before, and I always enjoy it. The former... didn't expect it to be as fantastic as it was! It certainly attributed to the brightening up of my day (which really only felt great after Darren Shan's amazing email!)

Too late to do any work now, but I'll be waking up to an essay on Justice and Peace. 1000 words. It's not too bad, and if I can get it done quickly, then I have time during the week to do other things... like my tutorial work. But I'm going to catch up on everything. I'm promising myself that.

Holy Cow. Ever get one of those "I just realised something" moments? Well, I did... just now. Yes, I voiced my surprise in my blog, sue me. (don't... I'm unemployed and can't afford to pay you). Well, I just realised that the Irish Student Drama Association competition is next week (starting the 8th). Drama is almost over for the year! Ah!

Oh, brightside of yesterday I never got around to, because of the joblessness... well, I went to the cinema, saw the aforementioned From Paris With Love, and Eileen texted to say that we have our tickets to One Republic in April! Good thing I forked out the money for that before I found out about work, or I might have had to change my mind!

Hmm, did I just see the brighter side of life? So much for my misery of yesterday!

Bye Bye Job

I'm unemployed, it seems. I had a job three hours ago, and now... well, I found out over the radio that the bookshop I work in, Hughes and Hughes, was closed, due to the fact that it had to go into receivership. We had an idea that the company wouldn't last long, what with less people travelling, and so less sales at the airport, but we never thought it would happen so soon. I literally said to someone at six o'clock last Saturday, "See you next week!"

Unless we all meet up tomorrow, that's not going to happen.

I feel oddly empty knowing I've no work tomorrow. It was different when I took a holiday before, to study for my mocks. I knew why I wasn't in work... I knew I wouldn't be in work... this just came on very sudden. And I had to pass the shop too, on my way to the cinema, which is where I was going when I found out about the dead company. It looked so dark, so lifeless... okay, so the lights were off and it was empty, but that's not what I meant. The soul of the shop was gone.

But even still, now as I type this, I can't claim it's all about me. I don't know most of the people who are now unemployed, but I knew the people in my shop. Two of them are the main income earners in their families. Two are in college. One just moved into a new apartment. One's living with his girlfriend, but he'll need a new job if he's to keep that up. And the last is my boss, whose wife doesn't work... well, not in a company. She's a writer. I think lots of us know how little money that will get them.

I'm going to be stuck thinking about how they're managing. I won't be able to help it. These people are my friends, and now we're all without a job, just suddenly, without direct warning from the company. Unless someone else buys out the place and keeps all the shops running...

My parents are advising me to look for somewhere else. My mum said it doesn't have to be a bookshop. But she doesn't get it. I loved working in a bookshop. It was my thing. If I had to get a new job, I'd love for it to be in another bookshop. Nothing else would feel right.

Nothing else could make me feel happy like Hughes and Hughes did.