You Will Be Assimilated

Since the rise of Google+, I've been growing increasingly suspicious of Facebook. When it was no longer the only option available for a site of its kind that actually worked well and was popular enough to talk to people on it, it became possible to see past its ugly facade.

People wonder how it makes money. Or, they used to. I think at this point, it's glaringly obvious by their less-than-subtle advertisements posted everywhere, taking up half a screen on a mobile device before you scroll away. But the advertising space is pointless without the actual product of Facebook: us. You might have seen the image going around of the pigs who love their sheltered home and their free food, making it clear: when you're not paying for a product, you are the product.

Facebook has, since entering the stock market, gone through a number of changes. Specifically, I've noticed over the past month or so, it's seeking to get to know its users a little better. Have you seen the new "how your feeling" aspect of status updates? How about films and books popping up with the question to add them to your lists?

Effectively, this is adding to the information Facebook has to point ads more directly at us. The feelings less so, less obviously at least. But the books? The films? The music? It creates a database of what you like that isn't a like page. It allows Facebook to figure out what sort of person you are, what you might like, and with that information they point advertisements at you in the hopes that you click on them. You click, they get paid, they win. You've just been sold to an advertiser.

Between the feelings and the lists, it's clear what's happening: Facebook are becoming the Borg, and we will be assimilated.

(Now that this has degenerated into nerd humour, I think we should finish here... Beware of Facebook!)

The Secret Life of Teachers

Teachers are a fascinating breed of homo sapiens, brought up from a young age to memorise everything about everyone without fail. In my time in teaching, three super important and totally true things have come to my attention:

1. Teachers never leave the school grounds. Ever. They stay there overnight, thinking up new and interesting punishments for the children that they just have to tell everyone about. They shout it from the noticeboard, laughing maniacally. This is a fact. All pupils have been talked about in great detail. Teachers don't need their spare time during school hours for anything else.
2. Teachers do not sleep. There is no need to sleep when you have lived for thousands of years. The body becomes changed, less human. Teachers can use this time to correct the multitude of errors found in the homework of their pupils. Teachers enjoy nothing more than repeating the same lessons of 'there', 'their' and 'they're', and so on.
3. Teachers spend the weekend thinking up new ways to punish their students. There is nothing better for a teacher to do than to find new and interesting ways to make someone suffer. After all, teachers are all sadists.

You can totally trust me on this one. I've been in a staff room, hooked up to the mainframe* and interacted with most of the staff in a school. It's definitely all true.

*Staff rooms are the inspiration for the Borg in Star Trek.