Remembering Robin Williams

I held back the tears from the moment I heard that Robin Williams had died, in what had been an unconfirmed report of suicide. I held them back while I was with friends, and while I was in public, until I was too tired to cry.

He was a man whose movies had helped shape my childhood. I knew him for Mrs. Doubtfire, for Patch Adams, for Jack, for Jumanji. He was a father, a healer, a misunderstood child, a lost hero. He was the boy who was never meant to grow up, a teacher, a doctor.

In the end, he was a husband, a father, a comic genius, and he was suffering.

Depression takes people to strange place. For some, it can mean the difference between a productive day, or staying in bed until the sun sets all over again. For others, it can mean sadness at every incident in the day, tears held back only for as long as someone else is looking. For others still, it can cloud the mind to reality, blocking out the bright lights of family and friends and loved ones, until the person gives in to something bigger than himself - alcoholism, drug abuse, suicidal ideation.

It can happen at any moment in our lives. It can affect teachers, doctors, lawyers, builders, actors. Whatever form it takes, depression leaves a path of ruin and wreck in its wake, a path that's visible only in hindsight in many cases.

No one could have predicted that Robin Williams would die by suicide.

Let it just be said: someone who dies by suicide is not being selfish. From idea to act, it is cruel to everyone it affects. From a mind plagued by the thought of it, to the family left behind after it, suicide hurts. Anyone who dares to say otherwise who has never suffered from suicidal ideation is only contributing to the hurt of loss felt by the mourners and grievers.

In many ways, Robin Williams was a lucky man. Though he met a tragic end, he gave the world the greatest gifts any human being could ever give. He gave us hope, and laughter, profound joy and wisdom in equal measure. He was adored by millions, and I have no doubt that he knew it, and he will be missed sorely.

He will be missed while people watch a lonely man attempt to reach out to his family again. He will be missed while a medical student plays a clown in an attempt to alleviate the suffering of his patients. He will be missed when a young boy in a grown-up's body makes friends and comes to terms with his mortality. And he will be missed when a man ripped from this world tries to protect those who brought him back.

Robin Williams was - and still is - many things, to many people, and it is only right that when we think about him, we remember his work, the joy he brought to so many people, the smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye. His death is tragic and terrible, but if we are to focus on it, it should be in light of making the world a better place for other people who suffer from a mental illness. Like a star in the night sky, Robin Williams light can still shine on for years to come.

At this time, we are right to mourn, and the world needs to give his family that opportunity, and its support.

Rest in Peace, Robin Williams.

Helplines: (Courtesy of thejournal.ie, amended)

Samaritans 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org 

Console 1800 247 247 – (suicide bereavement)

1Life 1800 247 100 or text HELP to 51444 - (suicide prevention)

Aware 1890 303 302 (depression, anxiety)

Pieta House 01 601 0000 or email mary@pieta.ie - (suicide, self-harm, bereavement)

Teen-Line Ireland 1800 833 634 (for ages 13 to 19)

Childline 1800 66 66 66 (for under 18s)

Is it Time to Police the Internet?

I heard the news today that another young girl died by suicide, choosing to take her own life as a result of bullying through Ask.fm. I'm not going to repeat the whole story here. You can probably find it by searching Google for bullying or suicide stories related to the site.

My main issue is that rather recently, Ask.fm has been at the centre of three suicides, three victims of bullying and harassment, and hasn't appeared to do anything to prevent further incidences. Its anonymous messaging continues, with people told to "drink bleach" or "go get cancer", and it once more highlights the problem with social media and developments in communication technology: cyber bullying.

In the past, bullying took place (by and large) in the schoolyard, or in the street, or in the workplace. While all of that still happens, modern technology allows the bully to break into the victim's house and intrude upon their private space with messages of hatred. Victims of cyber bullying can't escape the barrage. It attacks them where they feel safest, and it removes any semblance of protection the home might offer.

Awareness campaigns haven't quite caught up with cyber bullying. Not only do most people not feel as if they can talk about the issues of cyber bullying - it's easier to pretend it's not happening than to explain how you might have "let it happen" - most parents don't know enought about online safety and how simply telling children to avoid strangers on the Internet isn't good enough anymore. If anything, that only makes the Internet worse; there are billions of strangers who wouldn't harm you if you spoke to them online through Twitter or Google+, but there are dozens of people you do know (potentially) who would take advantage of your online presence to make you miserable.

I'm not going to pretend I understand why people treat others like that. What I can address, however, are the suicidal ideations that arise as a result of bullying. As evidenced by the three recent suicides as a result of online bullying, it's not uncommon to feel as if your life doesn't have enough value to keep on living it. In the most recent case, however, the young girl in question pointed out that sometimes a suicide attempt can be exactly what most people mistakenly assume all suicidal thoughts to be: a cry for help.

When the whole world - or your whole world, at least - seems to be against you, and you don't know how to explain how it makes you feel, and you don't understand why people treat you the way they do, and hide behind a veil of anonymity, it can be difficult to speak up and ask for help. If I thought someone was going through this sort of situation, though, there are some things I wouldn't say to them:

1. Suicide is a permament solution to a temporary problem. That's not a comfort to hear right away. When someone has agreed to find help - both with the abuse and its consequences, then it's time to highlight this point. It's more helpful for someone to realise they have done right by not taking their own lives than for someone to feel like they're thinking of doing something wrong.

2. Suicide is wrong. Someone who has been made to feel as if their existence is wrong isn't going to be put off taking their life by this point.

3. Suicidal thoughts or actions (attempts or self harm) are weird. While they aren't normal, and while someone experiencing them might not feel as if they are normal, there is the chance that someone sees them as being part of them. Pointing out that something is weird isn't going to make someone thinking or doing it feel any better about how they view themselves.

4. Suicide is never an option. Not only does this feel like a command, it's not even true. Suicide, for many people in every walk of life and in every culture around the world, is an option. It might not be one that people approve of, but the option is there. If you don't want someone to follow through on this option, tell them that instead. It's much more important for someone to hear that they are cared for, than to hear that they aren't allowed to do something.

5. Think about what you'd do to your parents if you killed yourself. While it might feel like an appeal to someone's sense of compassion and love, when experiencing suicidal thoughtss, or on the receiving end of bullying, or suffering from depression, it can feel as if you aren't receiving any love yourself. Returning it, or feeling good about anyone, can be difficult. Trying to make someone think about the consequences of suicidal actions while they are still at risk isn't a solution; it can create feelings of guilt or of worthlessness, and can make someone pull in to themselves even more as a way to get rid of any ill feeling thinking about family might bring about.

So, what should you do?

1. Be a friend. In cases of bullying, being the friend who's always there should be your primary concern. Allowing a victim of bullying or someone feeling suicidal to talk about what's bothering them is the first step towards preventing more drastic actions. If you're concerned that someone might be suffering in this way, keep an eye on them; look for any sign that something is wrong when they receive a text or look at their computer. If you know someone is giving them trouble, try to talk to them about it. If they don't want to mention something because they think things will get worse if they do, suggest being the one to report that something is wrong. In cases of bullying in schools, it can be easy to spot the bully once it's evident what they're doing.

2. Try to make arrangements to spend time with your friend away from a computer. A trip to the cinema or the theatre can be a good distraction, as any mobile devices that might be used to receive texts or emails or to use social media (including Ask.fm and Facebook) will have to be turned off.

3. Direct your friend to support services, and help them tell their parents and teachers (or employers, friends, etc.). Having more people to talk to and more ways to deal with the problems are essential.

4. Encourage your friend to (a) delete their Ask.fm account and (b) block anyone giving them trouble on Facebook or Twitter. Report bullies on any and all sites on which they are active.

In the long run, the less people using Ask.fm the better. At the moment, it doesn't support users who are being victimised and bullied. It makes cyber bullying too easy, and it provides one more easy avenue into someone's life. Anonymity is a dangerous tool for a bully to possess. Be aware, however, that it is possible to track anonymous users if the police are involved. Cyber bullying, in Ireland at least, is now a criminal offence, boarding on harassment. It's possible to catch the people causing your friend or loved one trouble.

For those who might have seen this happen already: don't feel guilty if your friend was in some distress and you didn't notice. It can be difficult to tell when someone is being bullied when it doesn't involve physical violence, and it's almost impossible to tell how someone is feeling at any given time of the day. The most important thing you can do is be there in future, and learn as much as you can about bullying, mental health issues like depression, and suicide. While it's not an easy topic to address, knowlegde and awareness are the first steps in preventing further incidences.

On Mental Health

It’s 2013. My experience with Mental Health Awareness over the past year and a half has shown me a few things, which I feel are worth highlighting. This will not be pleasant for everyone reading, but this is important for everyone. That’s Mental Health in a nut-shell.

The first thing I can point out is obvious: many, if not most, people feel uncomfortable talking about Mental Health. Of these, a majority will struggle to address depression or suicide openly. In Ireland, and around the world, these topics are taboo, linked with harsh stigmas and stereotypes. The end result is a crushing silence, like a wave of black water crashing around the sufferers of mental illnesses; there is no hope to see nor kind word to hear for as long as people misunderstand and refuse to listen. There is no way out of the suffering.

Seem bleak? I’m only getting started.

It is common that people will debate the idea that any form of mental illness will affect them in any way. This includes through other people. As such, they believe knowing about it is of no use to them.

So let’s clarify: anyone can become subject to the effects of mental illness, and everyone has a responsibility to be open to learning about Mental Health. Why? Because anyone can be affected, and anyone could be needed. Anyone. Not just a doctor, or a priest, or a qualified professional. Anyone could find themselves having difficulty with someone who has had a month’s worth of bad days. Anyone could find themselves helpless to watch as someone threatens to take their own life. Literally anyone could find themselves in a situation that, if they don’t listen, if they aren’t willing to learn, they will not be able to manage.

Very few people know if they are depressed, if someone else is depressed, or why someone with depression might find the flippant use of the word ignorant and/or insulting. There is no way for anyone to understand, without experiencing depression themselves, except that the effects of depression are not short-term (i.e. a couple of days) or easy to express. There is a pain to the sadness that can be brought about by depression, by the anxiety that accompanies it, and by the desperation that clings to sufferers as they attempt to find a way out.

Worse still, there are many who don’t know any other way out of the suffering by suicide. This becomes even more problematic the stronger the stigma attached to suicide is in any given society. How does someone talk about thoughts of suicide in a society that will not listen and does not understand? The simple answer: they don’t, because they can’t. Have you ever wondered by the rates of suicide are so high?

What do you say to someone who is feeling suicidal? There aren’t many people who know that to say, how to respond, what to do, or how to temper their reactions. Yes, shock is allowed. Disgust should be reserved. Anger should be avoided completely. Pity is acceptable, if it comes with a willingness to listen, and without patronisation. The whole scope of human emotion makes this a complication subject. There aren’t many who know what to do when faced with thoughts of suicide in another person.

And finally, for now, there appears to be a gap in the knowledge about the actual existence of Mental Health. During a talk on awareness, I was asked a simple but significant question, ‘What is Mental Health?’

I’m not a doctor. I’m not a counsellor. But I have studied, and continue to study, in these areas. I care. And this year, I want to make a difference in this area. Consider this the first public announcement of a project that could very well change my life forever. More importantly, it could save someone else’s.

There’s still a lot of work to be done, to make sure everything is ready to launch later in the year. In the meantime, the first step comes down to you: talk about Mental Health.

A Talk

At the start of my teaching placement, I found out the school was due to have a Mental Health Awareness week. I was thrilled at the idea. I was less thrilled when I later heard why the school needs to have it, but at the same time, my request to help out during the week was approved with open arms.

As a result of that, I now find myself looking at a selection of books on my bottom shelf, checking out my own recent blog post, gathering my materials from the Mental Health stand in college, and planning something in my head. I have a forty minute window in which to talk to the senior students, delivering that same talk three times: to 4th, 5th and 6th years individually as year groups.

Essentially I'm put in a position of teaching without assessing anyone, and teaching on something that isn't covered in the RE or English syllabi. I'm partially terrified about the idea, because I don't know how the students will react to the idea of someone my age with my accent (the students I teach think I sound "posh") talking to them about issues that might be affecting some of them, from depression to drug abuse to suicidal ideation. It's not that I don't know my stuff - or that I'm not working towards knowing it before the first talk - but that I'm not from the same background as they are.

I don't want that to be an issue. Thankfully I was young once. (Many would argue I'm still young, but my knees and my hearing tend to disagree.) I know not to talk down to them about this. It's a sensitive issue, and it requires some compassion and empathy.

As weird as it might sound, I'm passionate about the topic of Mental Health. I'm part of a rare breed of would-be teachers who finds psychology and neuroscience interesting. I honestly couldn't tell you where it comes from, but there you go. So, I'll be using my weird little interests in the talk. Dopamine will get a mention, naturally, as part of some transnational effects it can have on the mind, and its role in depressive moods.

But it won't be jargon. I'm determined for the talk to not just be jargon. No matter the background of the people at the talk, jargon is the wrong way to go. I want the students to be able to leave the talk capable of actually discussing the material, freed in some way from the burden and shame that goes along with mental health disorders.

It's possible I'm being ambitious, but I have to try. This is my first chance to really make a difference in this way without a fictional story to back up my point (such as The Rest is Silence). I want it go down well, and I want to leave the school at the end of that week knowing that it made even the slightest difference to the pupils. After all, I don't intend this to be the last time I ever talk about mental health awareness to a group of students.

Out of My Hands?

For me, The Rest is Silence is coming to an end. In terms of how much I can personally do with it, I mean. I hope to get it into the hands of people who can use it to continue the work we began with the first show.

We've raised a few hundred euro for charity, but that's not the important thing. The money isn't substantial enough to be important, yet. What matters with this play is that it's gotten people's attention. That's what I wanted from the offset: people need to pay attention to the issues it deals with. Mental health, depression, suicide: they affect so many people in the world today we can't afford to turn a blind eye on them anymore. It's not everyone who ignores the issue, of course, but when so many people had to be told who 1Life were, there was certainly a problem.

If you don't know, I'll fill you in briefly: 1Life are Ireland's only 24-7 suicide helpline. Its phones are staffed by trained counsellors and therapists. It's unique, but not everyone knows about them.

We chose to fundraise for them in the college, alongside the play, to help raise awareness of the issues at hand, and to help them keep the phones working. Yes, they receive plenty of support already, but when lives are at risk, is "plenty" enough? Not for me.

So, we put on a play, sold some bracelets and keyrings, wore bright yellow t-shirts and generally did a good job of telling the people of the college who 1Life were. Incidentally, for the first time since I started in the college we sold out the play. There was a great response to it, and a second college has agreed to host a show of it next week. This is before it goes to the competition on Thursday.

But I wonder if I have to let the script out into the wider world. It's something I'll need to talk to the people behind the phones about: do they want to attempt to distribute the script to theatre groups, schools and colleges themselves, or do they want me to try get it put on somewhere else? The cast aren't free this summer, not all of them, anyway.

I want to keep it going, yes, but I don't know if it would be a case of me driving the project. I mean, I would love to, but it's up to them. What do you think, Reader? Is this something I should push myself, or something I need their help with?

Either way, I had loads of fun with the play (you know, aside from the really sad parts of it), and it received a lot of positive feedback from the first audience to see it. Someone's even coming to see it again!

Let me know what you think. And if you want to know when the next shows are, visit this page: http://paulcarrollwriter.com/the-rest-is-silence/