Friends are for keeping you as close to sober as possible on a night out.
They're for helping you prepare for an exam.
For keeping you company when you can't cope.
For talking about problems.
For sharing theirs, too.
They're for learning about life.
For discovering new music,
New movies,
New books,
New ideas.
Friends are for telling wild stories,
And for making you laugh whenever you need it.
Friends are for making you smile, even when you don't want to.
Friends are for understanding you.
Friends are for living life to the full.
With love, for all my friends.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Silence
The first few moments of silence seem to be the worst. Every time I hear it, or fail to, I learn something new about the silence, about the quiet. It gets deep inside, worse than any words, worse than anything anyone could do us me. It's like torture, not knowing what's going to happen, what already has happened.
I can't help but hear the silence. It gets inside before I realise it, and everything starts working all too fast for my own liking. Rapid conclusions, rash and dangerous, are met with fear, panic, suggestion! Nothing I can ever do will prepare me to deal with it. I'm an emotional being; it's my greatest asset, but my greatest liability, and in the silence I hear the thoughts I don't want to. In the silence I feel the panic set in, and I'm reminded of everything that's happened in the past.
The details aren't important. Not the ones behind this text, nor the ones behind the fear. None of that is important, but moving on. Except... I don't think I can ever move on. What's why I'm becoming a teacher, though, isn't it? Because I know how hard it is to get past all this, and I don't want to see another person have to experience it, not if I can help it. Sure, I couldn't help myself, but that was different. That was so much different.
In the silence, I hear words of torture. Not just when something bad happens, or when I think something bad happens, but just... just when there's silence. Sure, I try to fight it off with music or with traffic, but the silence always creeps in. You know that time when the cars are all gone and the song ends? That's when it gets inside again, and the wheels all start working. It's like... oh, you know the story of getting a thousand chimps together with typewriters and they'll eventually write the complete works of William Shakespeare? Well, it's like that, only instead of Shakespeare, its dark, sometimes Gothic poetry. It's perhaps the most depressing thing I can create, and yet I don't want it to stop. Every time I write them I feel a freedom I can't describe. The closest thing would be like being released from a cage. If the cage was also on fire.
Of course, I can't always share the poems. I do occasionally. Every second poem seems to creep into the public eye, but some are a bit too personal. Some I only want a few people to see, until I can work up the courage to submit them somewhere. That's always an option, if I can manage it. I could take another option too, and just try get a poetry book published, but I doubt anyone would accept the poetry of an author who hasn't yet gotten something published in an established magazine, or won a competition or anything like that.
All that from the word silence, the idea behind silence... It produces a strange aroma that drives the mind wild. It sends us spiralling down dark alley-ways, always in search of meaning. Silence. Sweet, beautiful, painful silence.
I can't help but hear the silence. It gets inside before I realise it, and everything starts working all too fast for my own liking. Rapid conclusions, rash and dangerous, are met with fear, panic, suggestion! Nothing I can ever do will prepare me to deal with it. I'm an emotional being; it's my greatest asset, but my greatest liability, and in the silence I hear the thoughts I don't want to. In the silence I feel the panic set in, and I'm reminded of everything that's happened in the past.
The details aren't important. Not the ones behind this text, nor the ones behind the fear. None of that is important, but moving on. Except... I don't think I can ever move on. What's why I'm becoming a teacher, though, isn't it? Because I know how hard it is to get past all this, and I don't want to see another person have to experience it, not if I can help it. Sure, I couldn't help myself, but that was different. That was so much different.
In the silence, I hear words of torture. Not just when something bad happens, or when I think something bad happens, but just... just when there's silence. Sure, I try to fight it off with music or with traffic, but the silence always creeps in. You know that time when the cars are all gone and the song ends? That's when it gets inside again, and the wheels all start working. It's like... oh, you know the story of getting a thousand chimps together with typewriters and they'll eventually write the complete works of William Shakespeare? Well, it's like that, only instead of Shakespeare, its dark, sometimes Gothic poetry. It's perhaps the most depressing thing I can create, and yet I don't want it to stop. Every time I write them I feel a freedom I can't describe. The closest thing would be like being released from a cage. If the cage was also on fire.
Of course, I can't always share the poems. I do occasionally. Every second poem seems to creep into the public eye, but some are a bit too personal. Some I only want a few people to see, until I can work up the courage to submit them somewhere. That's always an option, if I can manage it. I could take another option too, and just try get a poetry book published, but I doubt anyone would accept the poetry of an author who hasn't yet gotten something published in an established magazine, or won a competition or anything like that.
All that from the word silence, the idea behind silence... It produces a strange aroma that drives the mind wild. It sends us spiralling down dark alley-ways, always in search of meaning. Silence. Sweet, beautiful, painful silence.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Into the Night - a poem
Compulsion
Obsession
And freedom –
Entrapped in myself
And lost in others –
Forever away from the world –
Forever locked in the dark ––
Take me away into the night
And forget the world behind us –
For I am not the one you know
Nor the one I remember –
The one who couldn’t keep control
Or stay calm through it all –
Pain
Panic
Torture ––
I am not the same
And never will be –
Not now that you have come –
Not now that I am free ––
A shallow grave awaits us at the end of our journey –
We had a good run – while it lasted
Obsession
And freedom –
Entrapped in myself
And lost in others –
Forever away from the world –
Forever locked in the dark ––
Take me away into the night
And forget the world behind us –
For I am not the one you know
Nor the one I remember –
The one who couldn’t keep control
Or stay calm through it all –
Pain
Panic
Torture ––
I am not the same
And never will be –
Not now that you have come –
Not now that I am free ––
A shallow grave awaits us at the end of our journey –
We had a good run – while it lasted
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Educational Procrastination
The topic of yesterday's study period changed dramatically and unexpectedly from Ecclesiology to Omegle.com. In case you don't know, Omegle.com is a chat website that utilizes web-cams. In case you haven't figured it out yet, it features a lot of people playing with themselves. You have been warned - this blog post will contain profanities!
Now, there are many things you can learn from Omegle.com. Not least of which is shame on behalf of all of humanity. But you can also get some great laughs out of it, if you learn not to be offended by the sight of a penis most of the time. Actually, not most of the time. Not if you deal with people the way we did. We are *drum roll*
The Phil Collins dedicated superness award-winning ecclesiastic team that is not endorsed by Phil Collins
And here we are!
Now, there are many things you can learn from Omegle.com. Not least of which is shame on behalf of all of humanity. But you can also get some great laughs out of it, if you learn not to be offended by the sight of a penis most of the time. Actually, not most of the time. Not if you deal with people the way we did. We are *drum roll*
The Phil Collins dedicated superness award-winning ecclesiastic team that is not endorsed by Phil Collins
And here we are!
The lad in the front shall be, for the purposes of this blog, be known as John. Beside him is Mary. Then, in the red, is yours truly (known for the day as Adam) and in the back is Aidan. Instead of studying, we wreaked havoc.
It all began with Facebook, not Omegle. John was fraped. A lot. Then Mary was fraped, too. I was not fraped, because I chose not to be. Only the four of us know what that vague assortment of words mean.
Following the twice-occurring fraping, we went over to Omegle, largely because we were curious. Now, I'll tell you this for free. When you have a girl like Mary on screen, lots of people want her to remove her clothing. When you don't, and you're trying to convince two girls to kiss...
Aidan knew what he was doing. "Will you two kiss?" he asked them. He got the expected reply, considering the fact that John sat beside him on the camera. "You kiss your friend first." Aidan was no fool, of course. Aidan knew those girls were alone, and that he wasn't. "So if I kiss my friend you two will kiss?" he asked them. "Yes," the girl confirmed, "You kiss first."
Aidan proceeded to pull Mary on screen and kiss her for the girls.Triumphantly, he cheered, "Your turn!"
This was only the beginning of our devilment. Of course, it wasn't all devilment. We met a really cool landscaper. Twice! Yes, we ran into his randomly twice! It was great! He was dead sound, and thought we were hilarious for being so excited about everything and for not studying.
Then the real stuff began. John, sick of people asking Mary to strip for them, got an idea. No word of a lie, he put on one of her bras (we were in her apartment). Then we left Mary alone on camera, her face hidden. Time after time, people began to talk to her, hands reaching down towards their crotch. She teasingly undid the buttons on her cardigan, and told them she'd be back in a minute. Bring in the topless-except-for-a-bra John, sit him down in the chair, and let the devilment continue. His face hidden and the camera not being high definition (and the light was shining in the window, so you couldn't see much), the men thought he was Mary in a bra. Then I altered the angle of the camera.
"Haha! You dirty bastard! Wanking to a lad!" John yelled. He grabbed a make-shift sign and held it up to the screen. "Wanker! Wanker!" The person disconnected.
The make-shift sign, I might add, was originally a photocopy of Dogma, by Michael Schmauss, with WANKER! written on the front of it. Dogma wanker...
Time and time again, John replaced Mary in the hot seat of online sexual tension, revealing, time and time again, that he was a man, to the perverted upchuck of the Internet. Time and time again, they called him gay. John didn't care, so long as I deleted the picture of his wearing the bra. Stories were one thing, photographic evidence was another.
Eventually, John just wanted to smoke, so when Mary was about to tease a middle-aged man in the same way as before, John got another idea. "Dad?!" he yelled. The man disconnected in obvious panic. Priceless.
There was, I'll admit, much merriment to be had in cheering, "Wanker!" at someone. But it's even better when their dad walks in...
It began with one lad, somewhere in the region of thirteen or fourteen, we reckoned. Then his older brother walked in, spotted Mary, and knew what he wanted. I think you know too - he wanted her to take off her top. Now, Mary wasn't willing to do it anyway, but when the boys stopped replying, with their camera still rolling, and a grey-haired man coming in to check on them... "Hey! It's their dad!" I yelled. The boys hid the obvious panic that they were experiencing, trying their best not to give away the fact that they were on a glorified porn site, occupied mostly by men. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, people on the Internet are that stupid, that they think they will get many girls like Mary who will actually strip down to the bra (and then-some.) Most of the time, it's actually just cock. Lots and lots of cock.
People are clueless.
Following five hours of this nonsense, with food cooked and eaten in the mean time too, John tested out a similar site: chatroulette. A better known site, John thought he'd test to see how many people it would take before he got a proper conversation. Out of eighteen people, one person stopped to talk. The rest were playing with themselves, or hoping to.
It was, as the title might suggest, an educational experience, even if we didn't actually live up to our team name by studying ecclesiology (except for Aidan.. he was weird that way!) Still, we have learned much in the ways of society, the Internet and comedy, and we had a great time doing it. So what if it meant nine hours of study for the exam today? I think I may have actually passed! (though it helped that John and I have a mutual exploitation agreement, whereby we share any work we do before exams as we're studying!)
Friday, May 7, 2010
PEMF
What happens when you ask people do they know what PEMF stands for? Well...
Slightly obscene in nature - you have been warned!
Post Election Morning Fever
Political Ennui Majorly Fed-up
Pre-Exam Mind-Flip
Post Exam Mental Fatigue
Post Erection Member Flacidity
Pulsed Electromagnetic Field Therapy
Partial Emotive Fluctuation Twitches
Pretty Embarrassing Mental Farts
Pre-Exam Something Something
Please Emma Mack Face
Pre-Exam Mega Phobia
Penis Envy, Mother Fucker
Please Empty My Farts
Pulling Emits Massive Flow
Pre Erection MisFire
Pulling Erections Means Flirting
Powerful Erection, Mini Fecker
I can now reveal that, aside from the fact that I'm astounded at how ridiculous some of these were, the meaning of PEMF is....
Post Exam Mind Fuck.
Thank you for playing.
Slightly obscene in nature - you have been warned!
Post Election Morning Fever
Political Ennui Majorly Fed-up
Pre-Exam Mind-Flip
Post Exam Mental Fatigue
Post Erection Member Flacidity
Pulsed Electromagnetic Field Therapy
Partial Emotive Fluctuation Twitches
Pretty Embarrassing Mental Farts
Pre-Exam Something Something
Please Emma Mack Face
Pre-Exam Mega Phobia
Penis Envy, Mother Fucker
Please Empty My Farts
Pulling Emits Massive Flow
Pre Erection MisFire
Pulling Erections Means Flirting
Powerful Erection, Mini Fecker
I can now reveal that, aside from the fact that I'm astounded at how ridiculous some of these were, the meaning of PEMF is....
Post Exam Mind Fuck.
Thank you for playing.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
One Down...
College exams will be the death of me.
I have one down, and eleven more to go. Today was the gospels of Matthew and Mark. Later in the exam season, I have the Pentateuch; Foundations of Christian Ethics; Justice and Peace; Eccelsiology; Sacramental Theology; Liturgy; two education exams; Modern Irish Drama; Varieties of Fiction; and Victorian and Modernist Poetry. I know. That's a lot of religion to cover.
I am looking into ways to not waking up at six in the morning. I'm trying the first one tonight - closing the curtains over. Right now, I only have a blind down over the window. Lets face it, that only works when the light isn't shining directly on it. So at sun rise, it's useless...
Okay, I've just realised, the sun rises on the other side of the house. But still, total darkness should help. My room gets unnaturally bright in the morning. I will fix this, I swear! I need my rest.
I've been thinking, and people will think I'm just copying two of the lads in college when I do this, of getting t-shirts printed up. Namely, religious t-shirts. One with Jesus on it saying "This parable pwns n00bs" and the other with God before Adam and Eve and a caption saying And the Lord said, "Go forth and bump uglies!" The problem is that Liam and Aidan printed t-shirts yesterday... this will be a summer thing, I think. That way, not many people will remember their t-shirts, and I can come back wearing clothing no-one will have ever seen before. At least mine will have pictures on them...
I might also make a conscience one, where the image is on the bottom of the t-shirt, showing a little man inside the stomach, with a caption: Conscience: That thing in your stomach that yells at you even when you're not hungry. I am a nut-case, I know.
Opinions on the t-shirt ideas? I may need an artist for them, though. I'll see how my draing fares before I attempt to find someone with the same sense of humour as me...
I have one down, and eleven more to go. Today was the gospels of Matthew and Mark. Later in the exam season, I have the Pentateuch; Foundations of Christian Ethics; Justice and Peace; Eccelsiology; Sacramental Theology; Liturgy; two education exams; Modern Irish Drama; Varieties of Fiction; and Victorian and Modernist Poetry. I know. That's a lot of religion to cover.
I am looking into ways to not waking up at six in the morning. I'm trying the first one tonight - closing the curtains over. Right now, I only have a blind down over the window. Lets face it, that only works when the light isn't shining directly on it. So at sun rise, it's useless...
Okay, I've just realised, the sun rises on the other side of the house. But still, total darkness should help. My room gets unnaturally bright in the morning. I will fix this, I swear! I need my rest.
I've been thinking, and people will think I'm just copying two of the lads in college when I do this, of getting t-shirts printed up. Namely, religious t-shirts. One with Jesus on it saying "This parable pwns n00bs" and the other with God before Adam and Eve and a caption saying And the Lord said, "Go forth and bump uglies!" The problem is that Liam and Aidan printed t-shirts yesterday... this will be a summer thing, I think. That way, not many people will remember their t-shirts, and I can come back wearing clothing no-one will have ever seen before. At least mine will have pictures on them...
I might also make a conscience one, where the image is on the bottom of the t-shirt, showing a little man inside the stomach, with a caption: Conscience: That thing in your stomach that yells at you even when you're not hungry. I am a nut-case, I know.
Opinions on the t-shirt ideas? I may need an artist for them, though. I'll see how my draing fares before I attempt to find someone with the same sense of humour as me...
Saturday, May 1, 2010
My Aching Head
Over the past few days, a headache has been coming. It's not fun, to say the least. It attacks in waves, and doesn't stop for quite a while. Even now as I write I get the headache pounding away, screaming mental torture. I imagine it's a result of a few things: lack of sleep, stress because of exams, and the unquietening thoughts in my head, whispering away in their own time.
Seriously, I've been waking up earlier and earlier every morning; on Wednesday, I woke up at a quarter to seven. That was planned. I knew what I was doing. I was tired, yes; I had a headache later, yes. That headache was probably as a result of studying. I made the mistake of staying up until half eleven... Thursday, I woke at half six in the morning. Against my will. My alarm was set for fifteen minutes later. It's not fun to wake suddenly like that. I headed to work that day too. That was tiring, but worth it - the shop is now open! I have a job again! And later that day, we went out for dinner. Pretty much as soon as I got a chance, I went to bed; a quarter to eleven. A headache was coming on, I was very much tired... and I woke up at a quarter past six the next morning. I've been walking to college of late, and wouldn't you know it that the day I get up earliest, I start getting a story going through my head. For half an hour, I had thoughts rushing back and forth, the plot developing in my mind, the mythology of this whole other universe being unfolded painfully as I walked on.
I was alone that day, in college. More or less, anyway. One person there, but not someone who I study with all the time. See, I've realised that certain people have an affect on me when I'm trying to study. When I was in the library on Tuesday, I could read quietly with Monica beside me. Since then, I've been in a lecture room with Liam and Anthony, and I could study perfectly well with them there, with the added bonus of silence (the library gets loud...) and the chance to have a chat every now and then. Friday, though, neither of them were there. So it was difficult to study, my headache was getting worse, and I was getting more and more tired.
I walked to town. I got rained on, which gave me a sad. I bought an umbrella, then it stopped raining. I went into Eason, bought the new Darren Shan book, and got in line for the signing. My headache didn't go away, but soon the excitement of seeing my hero again got me a bit more relaxed. I had a chat with me, which made me happier, then I walked back to college. I should also point out that at some stage during the week, I hurt my ankle, so walking is painful sometimes. I tried to study some more, but my headache was getting worse. I headed home on the bus. It rained again. This time I had my magic umbrella (one of the ones with the button that opens it!) from Penneys for €6, so I didn't get too wet. But I was tired.
Later that day, or rather in the night, I went to see Iron Man 2 with some friends. It was amazing, it distracted me from my headache and my exhaustion... until I got home. Stupidly I stayed up until half one watching a movie Conor had had on before I got home. I planned to wake up at eight the next morning (today)....
Five to six, I woke up, groaned, blacked out/fell asleep for twenty minutes, then laid awake. I had to walk to work. My headache stuck with me the entire way through the day. I still have it now, pounding away. I can barely keep my eyes open. But I'm afraid to go to sleep too early, in case I don't stay asleep too long, and then I'd be awake in the middle of the night, unable to get back to sleep.
Something is definitely wrong. It might be linked to the exam stress. Heck, it has to be. These exams, no matter how many times I've been told not to worry about them, are getting to me. Add in the fact that my head won't shut up, like on Friday morning, and you've got yourself my headache. I might have a high temperature, but I don't know... I find it impossible to judge for myself. I need to just take it easy. I need to get some proper rest tonight, too. I have stuff to do before my exam on Tuesday afternoon (thank God it's in the afternoon!), and I'm in work on Monday. I want a chance to rest, a bit.
Anyone with any recommendations, please speak up. Need a way to get to sleep without resorting to thinking about something, or taking any drugs... just a natural remedy that I can use tonight!
Peace, Love and Potter,
Paul.
Seriously, I've been waking up earlier and earlier every morning; on Wednesday, I woke up at a quarter to seven. That was planned. I knew what I was doing. I was tired, yes; I had a headache later, yes. That headache was probably as a result of studying. I made the mistake of staying up until half eleven... Thursday, I woke at half six in the morning. Against my will. My alarm was set for fifteen minutes later. It's not fun to wake suddenly like that. I headed to work that day too. That was tiring, but worth it - the shop is now open! I have a job again! And later that day, we went out for dinner. Pretty much as soon as I got a chance, I went to bed; a quarter to eleven. A headache was coming on, I was very much tired... and I woke up at a quarter past six the next morning. I've been walking to college of late, and wouldn't you know it that the day I get up earliest, I start getting a story going through my head. For half an hour, I had thoughts rushing back and forth, the plot developing in my mind, the mythology of this whole other universe being unfolded painfully as I walked on.
I was alone that day, in college. More or less, anyway. One person there, but not someone who I study with all the time. See, I've realised that certain people have an affect on me when I'm trying to study. When I was in the library on Tuesday, I could read quietly with Monica beside me. Since then, I've been in a lecture room with Liam and Anthony, and I could study perfectly well with them there, with the added bonus of silence (the library gets loud...) and the chance to have a chat every now and then. Friday, though, neither of them were there. So it was difficult to study, my headache was getting worse, and I was getting more and more tired.
I walked to town. I got rained on, which gave me a sad. I bought an umbrella, then it stopped raining. I went into Eason, bought the new Darren Shan book, and got in line for the signing. My headache didn't go away, but soon the excitement of seeing my hero again got me a bit more relaxed. I had a chat with me, which made me happier, then I walked back to college. I should also point out that at some stage during the week, I hurt my ankle, so walking is painful sometimes. I tried to study some more, but my headache was getting worse. I headed home on the bus. It rained again. This time I had my magic umbrella (one of the ones with the button that opens it!) from Penneys for €6, so I didn't get too wet. But I was tired.
Later that day, or rather in the night, I went to see Iron Man 2 with some friends. It was amazing, it distracted me from my headache and my exhaustion... until I got home. Stupidly I stayed up until half one watching a movie Conor had had on before I got home. I planned to wake up at eight the next morning (today)....
Five to six, I woke up, groaned, blacked out/fell asleep for twenty minutes, then laid awake. I had to walk to work. My headache stuck with me the entire way through the day. I still have it now, pounding away. I can barely keep my eyes open. But I'm afraid to go to sleep too early, in case I don't stay asleep too long, and then I'd be awake in the middle of the night, unable to get back to sleep.
Something is definitely wrong. It might be linked to the exam stress. Heck, it has to be. These exams, no matter how many times I've been told not to worry about them, are getting to me. Add in the fact that my head won't shut up, like on Friday morning, and you've got yourself my headache. I might have a high temperature, but I don't know... I find it impossible to judge for myself. I need to just take it easy. I need to get some proper rest tonight, too. I have stuff to do before my exam on Tuesday afternoon (thank God it's in the afternoon!), and I'm in work on Monday. I want a chance to rest, a bit.
Anyone with any recommendations, please speak up. Need a way to get to sleep without resorting to thinking about something, or taking any drugs... just a natural remedy that I can use tonight!
Peace, Love and Potter,
Paul.
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