I Found a Hero

When I was growing up, if someone asked me who my favourite author was, the response was always the same: Darren Shan. It wasn't because I liked his books better than everyone else's. It wasn't because I especially loved horror. No, I liked him because of the author he was, not the books he wrote.

To make sense of this, we need to go back a few years. As in, primary school. I read two different authors' books - JK Rowling and Lemony Snicket. Rowling was my favourite of the two, and continued to write some of my favourite books right up to the time when I got my first job. (Specifically, the midnight release of The Deathly Hallows was when I was offered my job.) Snicket, on the other hand, I only picked up - and this will sound ridiculous - because Klaus Baudelaire looked like Harry Potter.

Yep, I was that shallow.

I was completely enamoured with Snicket and Rowling, whose books were published regularly throughout the first four years of my secondary school life. But it wasn't enough. I needed a new author.

That was when I found Darren Shan, upon the suggestion of perhaps the first friend I made in second school, after a friend from primary school recommended them to me a couple of years beforehand. What was most important, then, was that the library in school actually stocked the books. I had a ton of books to catch up on, and by the time I finished them, he was getting ready to release another series.

I was also open to reading different books, the more I actually read different authors, which was a major plus. Garth Nix quickly found his way onto my book shelves, and by the time I started working I was ready to try new books by new authors.

In the meantime, I got to meet Darren Shan for the first time - on the day I arranged work experience in the shop that I would later work at on weekends. He was funny, he strangled everyone, and he made everyone in the queue for signing feel welcome.

The next few years are a blur of me showing up at every signing I could, reading The Thin Executioner even when I was supposed to be studying for exams. He imparted some wisdom upon me when my shop closed down, and helped me through that period of my life, until, a couple of years later, I moved from fan-in-a-queue to guest-at-launch.

Yes, in the summer of 2012 I got to sit down at the big fancy dinner held my Simon & Schuster to celebrate the launch of Zom-B and his moving over to them from Harper Collins. All around me were authors and journalists, booksellers and book buyers, publicists and Shan. It was wonderful, and he made sure I was comfortable before the night began, introducing me to different people from different places so that, when we sat down for dinner, even if he wasn't there, I'd know somebody.

When I was a boy, I thought authors were hermits, sitting alone in a room writing their books. I thought authors didn't know how to talk to people, because everything about the idea of writing a book seemed isolated. I think, for me anyway, I needed to meet someone like Darren Shan, whose real life personality was as big as his narrative voice. I needed to see that an author could be outgoing and write books that people loved. I needed a hero, and I found one.

Seven-Week Notice

In terms of employment, when either party decides to terminate a contract two weeks' notice must be given. Then, the employee becomes a former-employee, often unemployed, and has to adjust to a new lifestyle.

In terms of college, it tends to sneak up on you that the agreed-upon length of your course has almost expired. Little over seven weeks remain before I'm finished, including the twenty-two day hell that is Exam Season. Where did the last four years of my life go? Or how about the fourteen years before that, accumulating Primary and Secondary school?

Seriously. I don't remember ever being in a situation of having no idea what I'll be doing in the coming September. Even before I started in college, I knew I was going to a college. I didn't know which one, but I had a semblance of an idea based on my CAO application. Newsflash: there's no CAO for The Rest of Your Life.

So, seven weeks. Then I'm a former-student. I suppose that equates to being a graduate, but even that doesn't mean employed. It certainly doesn't mean that I know what I'll be doing in September.

Don't get me wrong, I have plans, but these revolve largely around books I want to write and publish and great big projects that could take a year to complete, involving tons of work and research, if they ever get off the ground. And that's the problem, the "if", because what if something happens that gets in the way, as life is want to do? Then any plans I have for September fall through quite quickly. Scares the bejebus out of me.

So much rests of certain things going right, like passing the exams first-time around, getting myself motivated in early June to get work started, and finding the support at home and from friends and online (my Home in the Ether) to actually pull off the gradiose plans that have been running about in this head of mine for way longer than I can recall. I have known, for a long time, that I wanted to go through with certain projects, but I have had no idea when I would ever find the time to actually get things done. Especially with college, with my interests in Drama, my essays, my Research Paper, exams (the epitome of Dread) and the various social aspects of life that, apart from being enjoyable, are necessary for my sanity, I haven't had much chance to actually create a sustainable pace for working at home. Writing a book suddenly takes a backseat when there's a few thousand euro hanging over your head, and hell on the horizon.

Somehow, seven weeks doesn't seem like enough time to actually prepare myself mentally and emotionally for the transition into the unknown, into now knowing what I will be doing, not only in the future, but on each day as it comes. I've been on scheduled timetables for most of my life, and even my brief stint of unemployment back in 2010 was cushioned by my continued structure in college.

Now? Now I'm leaving that main provider of structure, which is also where I talk to most of my friends, without any guarantee of when I will enter full-time employment, what form that employment will take, or how I'm going to adjust to having an extended break like this.

Part of it is exciting, of course, but there's still the worry that eventually I have to do something to make a significant change in my life that will provide the sort of financial support society demands. It's not that I don't want to, but that I don't know how or what. I could end up teaching, which wouldn't be a bad thing, but I'd like to try my hand at something else and gain some life experience before going right into teaching, even just to get one more year on the students. I suppose that's part in fear that I might not find respect in a school if I'm barely four years older than the sixth years. I think that's a legitimate concern, especially since it's very unlikely I'll be taller than every male student in schools (kids these days...).

I'm not looking to go party-mad when I leave college. That's not what I mean by life experience. I plan on being quite reasonable with my time, following my dreams while I still feel I deserve them. I don't want to settle down into a teaching position with regrets, feeling like I'm only doing it because I want a job. It's more than just a job. There's a whole lifestyle around teaching, and entering that lifestyle isn't something I feel ready to do right now. Maybe that will change over the next few months. Maybe half-way through June I'll realise that I am ready. It's possible that right now, I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed by the idea that hey - I have to be a grown-up now!

And I have seven weeks to come to terms with that before it starts becoming a reality. the words, "I can't even", come to mind.