The Dreaded Future

During a conversation with a co-worker today, I was reminded about how much I was dreading finishing college. I was full of doubt and fear and worry, and I didn't feel one bit prepared for the so-called Real World. I didn't have any idea what I was going to do with my time.

I'm not happy that I didn't have a plan for leaving college. However, it did provide me with the benefit of having to think about it, without the added stress of exams to prepare for. Here's how this has worked out for me as I face the dreaded future.

1. I was able to choose a Masters course to apply for without panicking. When I panic about something and don't talk to people about it, I can sometimes shut down. I should have spoken up during my Leaving Cert about how unprepared I felt for it, and the result of not doing that was not being able to focus on actually studying. Which obviously only made things worse.

With the time to think outside of the walls of college, I was able to find a course that (1) interested me, (2) had career prospects, (3) would benefit me more directly on a personal basis than the courses I had considered this time last year and (4) feels like good value for money.

I was going to try do a Creative Writing Masters. I wasn't entirely sure where, but it was on my mind. However, I don't feel like the courses would have been appropriate for me. I was already at the point of looking at publishing as a business. I needed to continue learning about the various aspects of what it meant to be a writer; focusing solely on the craft, for a whole year, for a large sum of money, suddenly didn't feel right.

2. I was able to think of what I could do as (a) a back-up in case I didn't get into the course or (b) a career following the completion of my course.

I've already spoken about it briefly at various points over the past few months, but I want to work in publishing. Since publishing jobs are so hard to come by, I figured a good alternative would be to set up my own publishing house.

I've thought it through on so many levels, and I think it's still a viable option. It was something I wanted to do before leaving college, and since then I've grown to understand it on a much greater level. I've refined ideas, established new ones, and focused on what makes sense in terms of what to publish and how to produce the necessary effects towards making the business a success.

I've been reading widely, paying attention to how other businesses are run, and looking at various aspects of the process of setting up a publishing house, and I think - given the time to put things together - I could have the ball rolling on it within six months.

That's not a timeline based on research: that's my goal. It could take longer, but I have to create a deadline of some description, or nothing would happen. (Just to clarify: I'm not actually starting this process yet. It will be 2015, at the very least, before you actually see the publishing house being set up properly. There's still a lot for me to do before I get to the point of setting up a business.)

3. I've been able to define my own abilities more clearly. It's one thing to put on a play in college that sells out. (That happened. That was awesome. We raised a lot of money for charity in the process.) It's another thing to be able to call yourself a marketing expert. Basically, since I left college I've been looking at what I can do and what I know, and working on developing both the areas I feel I'm strongest at, and the ones I feel need more work that are relevant to what I want to do with my life.

I've never had this much time to address my strengths and weaknesses before. Ever. I've been able to read different books on different topics, and put different things into practice. I've been reading up on various aspects of writing and business, and I'm working on a plan for publishing that will see my area of expertise expanding.

I don't want to just write about writing. That was never the plan. But it's better to spend time focusing on this one thing for a while, before moving on to also write about another thing. Not only do I need the time to research and develop a plan, I need the time to get my voice out there as a writer on a specific topic.

Those three things have been massively influential in helping me face the future more positively. I'm not worried about the coming months and years. Sure, the economy is still poor. Sure, I'm still only working part-time on minimum wage. But I have a better idea now of what I want from life, influenced by creative and critical thinking rather than an undue amount of stress and worry.

I've been able to figure out the future a little more clearly, and it doesn't seem quite so dreaded any more.

The Birthday Blog

It's official: I'm 23 years old. I'm beyond the age of realising I'm no longer 21. I'm no longer required to carry I.D. with me everywhere, even though I will anyway because bouncers everywhere are suspicious of anybody who doesn't have some form of identification (and even those that do.)

I'm at age where I should start making some of the biggest choices of my life. (You know, the ones that are left after deciding what to study in college.) This time last year, that would have terrified me. But I have a degree. I've graduated. I've gone on the job hunt, and I've been told that - because of my experiences in and out of college - I would have been hired on the spot for a dream job...if the company were hiring. (It was still awesome to hear that.)

And, I've changed dirty nappies. Nothing's really so bad after you've seen the contents of a dirty nappy.

I've been out of college and working on a more-or-less part-time basis for about nine months now. Give or take a few weeks. I've avoided schools, and I avoided making any major decisions in a rush, because I've realised the importance of making my mind up properly. This is the year I plan on beginning my Masters course. I took a long time to mull it over, and to earn the money to pay for it, and I actually made up my mind on something that I fell in love with the moment I looked at the course description.

It's a big step in the right direction.

The only other major decision I've made before now has been to actually set up the publishing house I've been talking about with friends for a year now, and been planning to do since...2007? Around then. I've taken my time to really consider that one, because it's a lot to take on. Obviously, it'll be a small operation to begin with. I need to be able to run it part-time while doing my Masters.

I have plans for it, though. I've considered the easiest ways to run the business while also doing a lot of other work, and all things going according to plan, I'll be laying the foundations for it over the next few months. It's incredibly exciting, and I finally feel like I understand enough about publishing and business to make a decent attempt at starting this thing.

I don't think I could have done it even a few months ago. The world seemed too...intimidating? I don't know if that's necessarily the right word for it, but things were definitely different. A birthday wasn't the big change I needed, of course, but I like to put a date on things. It's like how I use New Year's Day to make a fresh start. I would have used February 1st if I needed the extra month to prepare for what I had planned for the year, but I was good to go earlier.

To be perfectly honest, I don't see much else changing now that I've turned 23. I don't see myself suddenly dressing differently, or acting differently, or changing the plans I began executing only 6 weeks ago. I'm still going to be publishing the books I wanted to publish this year. I just feel like maybe I can live up the whole "must be mature" idea that I've put in my head.

And, just for the record, having Saturdays off work is amazing. This is the first time I've had one off since November, and that was because I had graduated the day before. And, well, I didn't want to risk having "grown-up problems" in work the next day. But today was just about lazing around the house, and having pancakes for breakfast, and getting to play Final Fantasy 13.

Then again, maybe turning 23 doesn't mean being mature.

Grandiose Ideas

I have a habit of getting an idea in my head, thinking it's entirely possible to do, despite the following facts about my life:

1) I can be called in to work with a day's notice, and because I need to save money, I will agree to go in.
2) I can have anywhere between two and five days' work per week.
3) I have family obligations.
4) I promised myself I would maintain a semblance of a social life.
5) I plan to do too many things at once.

All five are true. It doesn't take much effort to remember them. And yet, recently I've had a few ideas that aren't practical in the slightest, for the above reasons. They include:

1) Writing and posting a 'horror' poem every day in October onto ParagraVerse.
2) Writing and publishing twelve related books in 2014 (two of which are already written, and they aren't the Modern Irish Myth books).
3) Writing (and releasing weekly) a multi-plot story (as in, multiple variations of events) that essentially triples with each addition of a story (meaning by week 4 I would need to release 27 variations of the same chapter).
4) Writing and editing an unplanned book in a month, at a length of 75,000 words.

How many of those things are actually possible? Technically, all of them, but not if I have work and/or family obligations more than three times per week. So, basically, I made the decision, repeatedly, to do the impossible. I actually began the 75K book, before realising how impractical it was to attempt it when I fell behind by 4000 words after three days.

But this keeps happening. I mean, in theory I could do these things. I could still do the 12-books-in-a-year thing, but it would require a lot of work, and a lot of planning (starting now) and they would all be novellas. It's still something I might do, but I need to see how well the two books I'm editing at the moment turn out in the end. If they're no good and require a lot more work after these edits, then I can't write another couple of books before January.

The problem with these big ideas is that I don't actually have many days off, lately. As it is, I won't have a full day to myself until Monday next week. Sure, I'll have half-days and evenings, but that's it. I'll get to go into town to buy my comic books, and I'll get to go out for dinner and go to the cinema, but I'm not going to get do these things whenever I want in any given day. And I certainly don't have a lazy-day ahead of me any time soon.

I'm not complaining, mind you. I like the way things are right now. I just have to keep reminding myself not to start getting my heart set on these massive long-term projects that require me to have more time available than I currently do.

Over the next week, I'll have my editing and planning hats on interchangeably, and by my next day off I'll know what sort of state I'll be in to do my massive 12-book-publication year. At the very least, I'll write some fun stories.

Planning Before Living

As my teaching placement in January came to a finish, it began to feel extremely real that I was leaving college. It was a nervous and exciting time, but it raised a question: what do I do now? I knew there was one thing I definitely wanted to do: I wanted to get a Masters degree.

Two problems then arose:
- What do I want to study in? (And where?)
- How can I afford it?

The second problem was much more easy to address: I can't. Working weekends only, it is literally impossible for me to save up the average full sum required to sit a Masters course in Ireland. For the whole summer, that's all I was able to manage in work - not because I wasn't willing to work, but because the hours weren't there.

Now, I'm in a position to receive a few more hours per week. My boss is currently out of commission, and so we can't mention anything further to him, but my colleagues and I have been talking, and it makes sense to us that I work four days per week - not just a few hours on a Saturday, and a full-day on Sunday. Even if I managed to work just four days in the week, I've worked it out that I can still save up for a course to begin in September 2014.

That's without giving up on comic books, the cinema, magazines or other various expenses that pop up, too, which effectively means that I'm in a position, all things going according to plan (and a plan that makes sense to six people, myself included), to begin a Masters this time next year.

But that still leaves the other problem: what course would I actually do?

Part of me is considering Chaplaincy. Another part of me is considering Creative Writing. There's even a part of me that would love to go on to study Counselling. Each have their own pros and cons to consider, and I'm sure when I seriously start looking into courses things will only get more complicated. Now that I actually feel like I'm in a position to actually afford it, I can actually consider things beyond just what I'd like to do in some hypothetical universe.

Here was me thinking that I was done with college. Ha!

Life requires a lot of planning like this, though, I've come to realise. I know that while taking an extra year of study, I may have to face reduced working hours. It's also a massive chunk of money I can't put aside for saving, or use to travel (like I've wanted to for years, now!). I'm still planning to go away next year for a few days, but I do have to seriously consider the costs of everything before I go ahead with it. That's not just about the travelling; I mean everything that isn't already on my list of expenses.

As well as planning my expenses and income, I've also been looking at a few different things, from video schedules to writing plans, and considering the best course of action to take on a number of different projects. From one that currently looks like an interactive fantasy story, to a web series on YouTube, to a content-filled blog, I've got a lot of work ahead of me for so many different projects. I don't think I'll run out of work to do over the next few months, at least!

It seems like a lot to plan, but it also seems strangely necessary. Not because I might go against my plans, but because I'm not sure I could keep myself focused on one specific exciting thing for long enough to get truly involved in it. I know that once I get it into my system to write a particular thing, or record videos every x days, like I did with my daily-blogging and daily poetry exercises, it'll just be part of my life.

And isn't that the point? To read, to write, to create, to earn, to study. Isn't that the point of all this planning, that it just becomes life?

Day 27: Considerations

Today, something occurred to me: in focusing all my attention on writing the Modern Irish Myth books, they became something I didn't want to focus on. Which, you know, means that I wasn't getting anything done at all. It got to the point that thinking about writing The Blood of Leap was off-putting, rather than just requiring me to turn on my laptop and write. After all, that's what I do when I need to write a blog post (usually), so it's not that much effort. But actively disliking the idea of going to write the book?

No, I couldn't have it.

Writing is supposed to be fun. And I was enjoying writing the book, until a lot of different things came up that required my attention in one form or another. I don't believe in writing a book when it's not enjoyable. I purposely picked a topic for a my research paper that was both interesting in and of itself, and allowed me to look at interesting texts (translation: books, poems, songs, films and television shows - I rock at academia). It meant I wouldn't be put off writing it when I had to. (Even though I went into Major Procrastination Mode and didn't write it for a while.)

But I don't want to force myself to write a book in a bad mood knowing that focusing on it means I can't do anything else. This means two things are happening:

1. I'm going to take more time to write other things, not just the Modern Irish Myth books.

Let's look at this logically: I want to earn from writing. Fiction isn't exactly a goldmine for most writers. Focusing all of my writing time for the next few months on writing fiction means I probably won't make much money from it - one of my self-appointed parameters for success being to make a certain amount from writing generally speaking - unless I become a bestselling author - another parameter for writing success.

Add to this an interest in poetry, teaching, writing non-fiction, writing about writing, and writing other stories, and I've got a problem. If I focus entirely on the Modern Irish Myth books, not only am I less likely to find even minor success (the sort that makes me feel like I'm getting somewhere, but not necessarily the sort that makes me famous), I'm less likely to be happy writing.

Considering the amount of changes my life is going through at the moment, I don't think restricting my options is necessarily a good thing. I want to start freelancing seriously. I want to write more poetry. I want to rediscover a certain sense of self from writing. I want to write more about writing.

To manage this step more plausibly, I need to focus on Thing #2 to happen.

2. I'm revising the publication schedule for the books.

I had intended to release a book a month until the series is complete. This is a fast-track system to releasing eleven books in less than a year, which requires them to be written at a pace of at least one per month. Given my difficulty in focusing on the series with Big Ol' Life getting in the way, you might see the problem that might arise from this commitment. Unless I drive myself absolutely insane and risk hating the books as I write them in an effort to meet my previous writing schedule (to finish writing by October's end), a book a month means trying to focus all  the way through various holidays and events, and assumes my employment situation will remain as disappointingly the same as it is now. (I know, lots of people want and need jobs, but a grand total of 10.6 hours' pay per week isn't exactly enviable.)

Reality check: I want to work more hours. I need to. Not because I want to be Stinking Rich, but because I want to do more with my life than work at the weekends in a shop, arrange lunches with friends every couple of weeks (if I'm lucky), read comic books and go to the cinema. I want to travel. I don't even intend on travelling extensively until I can get myself earning enough to justify the expense. I just want to be able to go on a trip out west, or to London, or go to the Edinburgh Arts Festival. Even these simple things are out of my price range.

From my point of view, that sucks. I'm out of college, but I have next-to-nothing to my name and I'm in no position to improve my life. It just feels like I'm getting dragged along by circumstance.

So, with all of that in mind, the new publication schedule - unless I find it as equally restrictive as the current one - is to release the books every two months. This means that The Blood of Leap is due for release in September, not August. It means that the twelve books will take me to March 2015, not May 2014. A longer wait for the finish, yes, but this has a couple of benefits.

Firstly, I'm under less pressure to write the books in a short period of time, which means I'm less inclined to dislike them. (Much less inclined, in fact.) As a result of that, I'll be able to write better books.

Secondly, I'll be able to write other books in the meantime, and work on other projects, without the pressure to release something new all the time. With the series to keep me going until 2015, I'll be able to get other projects ready for launch. I've even got a couple of stand-alone titles in mind, which may find their way into publication either during the publication cycle, or afterwords (with the latter projections bringing the final run of fourteen titles to September 2015.)

Thirdly, I won't be crowding the market with my own books. I'd be a bit overwhelmed with the selling thing if I was trying to promote the books so heavily all the time until March. Yes, I'll have to promote the books, but at least I won't feel like it's all I'm ever doing if the publication dates are set further apart, and it won't seem like I'm rushing the books into publication for the sake of it. (The truth of the matter is, they're short books, which I can write quickly when I get to writing them; it just wouldn't look that way from the outside.)

All that considered...

I'm calling a halt on my Camp NaNoWriMo intentions. Next week, I'm going to make plans to see a friend. On Monday or Tuesday, whichever is free earliest, I'm going to spend the day writing poetry (which will probably require major Facebook stalkerage for scenic photographs for inspiration). I plan on writing a lot of poems in the day. I'm hoping my brain can manage between 15 and 25 poems - even if they require a lot of editing afterwards - to try get the rush from creativity back. I think it'll be good for me.

Basically, I'm sick of being caught up in life and not doing anything with it. It's time to make a change.

Day 12: The Day That Disappeared

A few things happened today, and in the interest of writing once this is done, I'll keep this post short. Most significantly, though: I can't really figure out where the time went today, but it wasn't spent writing.

I woke up late. That always sucks.

I ate breakfast, I had tea, I played Skyrim briefly before a lunch-time dinner. And then I draw a blank.

Actually, that's not entirely true. I planned a couple of things, neither of which were stories. One is a budget that needs regular updating. I'm going to stick to it rigidly. Weird as it sounds, I'd like to be prepared for Christmas this year. And I want to go to London at some point, too, so I'll need money for that.

The other thing was a list, a schedule. I have a lot of books on business and personal development, and I've decided that from Monday onwards I'm going to start reading them, a chapter a day. I'll make notes, I'll do the tasks the books set, and I'll ensure I educate myself in a few different areas.

I also let some ideas wander around in my head, one of which is for a book, the other of which is for a kind of business-y project. I still need to work out the details on each, though they're looking to be fun. I have a feeling, based on my projections for writing, that I'll be able to write the book in January. That may also be when I get to start with the other project, unless I work a lot quicker at it than I originally intend. (That's probably what's going to happen, once I get myself back on track again.)

In short, though I can't really recall doing much today, I seem to have made long-term plans for finance, reading, writing and working. And the heat has kicked my ass again, today, making me sleepy already. Tonight's target: 1,000 words.

As Good As Done

Today, I had my last ever theology exam. You know, all things working out for the best. With only one exam left - Poetry, after a four day break - I can say with some confidence that these exams are as good as done.

Thanks be to God.

With that wee "adventure" past, it's looking like the rest of my life is getting ready to pull itself together. I have arrangements in place for a couple of days out with friends, and I've scheduled the writing of several books over the next few weeks. I don't plan on taking it easy just because it's summer. Let's face it, I haven't actually had a prolonged period of time to write for a long time, now.

And I mean, just write. Like, forget about Teaching Placement. Forget about writing in the evenings. I could, potentially, write all day long if I really, really wanted to. Guess what? I want to. I really, really want to.

I know I have to be smart about this. I can't just start writing and never stop, and be damned with people who might want to do something as ordinary as talking. That's just not me. I didn't go through four years in college making friends and getting to know people just to ignore them the moment we finish up. They mean too much to me. Sure, talking to friends won't write books, but that doesn't mean it's not worthwhile.

Hear that? That's me approaching this maturely.

Since I'm not currently resigning myself to write in front of a camera all the time, I actually have a lot of freedom in my life right now. I also only have a weekend job, so it's time to start looking into writing a wee bit more more. Or, you know, publishing more for money.

Let's me fair: I don't think I've ever written something in my spare time that wasn't because I wanted to do it. Every book, every short story, every poem, both plays, and that article I had published: all of it was written because I wanted to do it.

That's not going to change. It just so happens that I love writing, and I love writing different types of things. I consider it a journey, a wonderful little journey of discovery and of freedom and I wouldn't give it up even if I never made a living from it.

Now that the exams are pretty much over, I can start putting together those grand schemes of mine that have kept me in a creative mood throughout exams. Money allowing, I'll have the first project launched mid-June. That'll be a fun one. I'll be ridiculously busy by then, of course, but it'll be worth it.

I get to read, too. Can you believe it? I get to read, and I get to not feel guilty about it, because I know how to prepare for a poetry exam.

Life is picking up. Life feels good right now. Time to go make something of it, eh?

Get Out of Bed!

For the past three weeks, at the very least, I've been struggling to get out of bed in the morning. This comes as a result of the combination of late-night and early-morning, though most of the time I can't help either of those. Rarely have I stayed up late intentionally, and even more rarely have I wanted or needed to wake up especially early. It just happens.

While I wouldn't mind so much except that I have an inability to fall back asleep once I wake up in the morning, I tend not to do anything. Even when I've had a good sleep - not a common occurrence - I have this difficulty to get out of bed because I'll be comfortable, even if I know I have to do work. Or worse: go somewhere. I think I've only ever gotten out of bed for something that wasn't work or exams over the past three weeks for one person, and that was because I would be late for a much-needed catching-up session I had been hassling about. Other than that, I've been getting out of bed, wasting the morning still exhausted and entirely useless, when I could have been doing something with the day.

And that's the big thing: doing something. I've found that while getting out of bed for exams is difficult and annoying, it comes with the purpose I need to get ready for the day. So I need to just find something to do every day. Right?

This is, of course, much harder with exam season attacking me from every direction. I find that while I want to do something creative, the exams hinder my ability to do so. I feel a sense of guilt for not doing college work, and when I aim to begin I find myself inundated with a sense of procrastination. The time I need to study is wasted, and I don't accomplish anything.

Bummer, right?

This summer, I aim to change all that. If it means setting myself a task for the day, like four thousand words of a novel or a scene of a play or researching something to do with writing (I've been getting my books ready for that one!) then I will. I'll get out of bed to do something like that, because it's something I want to do.

I suppose I can't wait for the last week of exams just to have a week of getting up with intent. Sure, it will be exhausting, it will be annoying, but at least something will be done. Then I'll be busy writing away for three months.

I have a project I'll be undertaking, the details of which will come as soon as I'm ready to make them public. It'll be fun. It'll last a while. And it'll get me out of bed.

I guess I just don't want to waste my summer when I could be doing a trial-run for what could be the rest of my life. That would be weird, wouldn't it?