Dear Exhaustion

I have good news, and bad news. I'll start with the bad news: I don't yet have the books I'd hoped to work on edited. I was hoping that, with what little time I had off this week, I might be able to turn some attention to them. Alas, no. You see, between the early starts, the distinct lack of any days off, and the beating of the rain on the roof - and poor me in the attic - I lost a lot of sleep that would have otherwise contributed to my editing energy.

The good news, though, is that while I don't yet have the books edited, I have an idea of what I might do with the series. I think it'll look like a December announcement as to whether or not I'll be going ahead with my book-a-month publication on the series, but for now I have things I can do, a publishing schedule vaguely drawn up, and some ideas related to cover design and overall plot.

So, it's a start.

I think the main reason I want to publish this series is because it's something I can control that I really enjoy. Recently, I had been thinking of some film ideas. You know what they say, everyone has an idea for a movie. I had three. A Slenderman movie, a Krampus movie, and an adaptation of Frankenstein.

Well...

Turns out Marble Hornets has been optioned for a film release on the big screen with the director of Sinister (I think... maybe it was Paranormal Activity or Insidious - whatever, one of the big horror directors I would have liked to work with on my Slenderman movie in my wild dreams) connected to it. So, there goes that idea. The Krampus movie, I'm not even sure what's happening with it. One release date on it, a lot of uncertainty about it... I don't know, I could still do it. I have an idea, and an idea is a very good place to start. As for Frankenstein...

Two movies. Yes, two. One, I, Frankenstein, sees Adam in a kind of action role, with two immortal races battling it out. I think one of them are gargoyles. I'm not sure. It's not a typical Frankenstein adaptation, and it's technically mis-titled if you ask me (or anyone who's read the book and knows that you shouldn't call Adam - AKA Frankenstein's monster - by his creator's name. But then, I'm against the idea that Adam should be considered the monster in the first place!) The other one, though, simply titled Frankenstein, stars James McAvoy as Victor Von Frankenstein, and Daniel Radcliffe as Igor, and is therefore a take on the classic films. Not the book.

I don't know what it is about the book, or whether Hollywood just loves the idea of having an Igor, but I haven't heard of an adaptation that follows the same plot as Shelley wrote. Instead there are all of these different paths followed, and the odd decision made to make Victor Frankenstein a Von Frankenstein instead.

Hashtag weird, am I right?*

So, in my heightened state of exhaustion, I managed to see three ideas I had for films get washed away by others who came before me. In a sort of response, I decided to take a couple of completed first drafts and a lot of ideas for follow-ups and connected books, and release them en masse to the world in 2014. I'm aiming for an air of tragi-comedy, dealing with some wit and buffoonery and general craic, while addressing some of the darker elements of ordinary life.

At the very least, it'll keep me busy. And so long as the rain keeps at an acceptable volume, I can write these books in peace without worry of exhaustion creeping in.

*I should probably not do that, right?

Day 6: Not Enough Time for Tea

I lost six hours today, between leaving for work and getting home from a couple of supermarkets with my dad. The actual four hour shift in work was okay, if not boring, with a ton of de-stickering going on in our move to a franchise. It was mind-numbing.

It doesn't help that (a) I woke up early but felt exhausted, (b) I couldn't sleep last night until I felt I wasn't going to need to use the toilet again and (c) I went to the cinema tonight. Friday is normally my cinema night. Now, at half ten, I've had my day split up twice and I haven't written nearly as much as I need to.

And I just don't have enough time for tea. As it is my eyes are begging me to go to bed. It's not even a screen ting. Being open is bad enough. I'm writing this with my eyes closed for the most part, checking back for typos and errors and all that sort of nonsense, and just hoping there aren't too many of them to make the task difficult.

Having written less than 600 words today, it's clear that I either have to write a lot more tomorrow, or I have to stay up later than I really can manage.

I think I'm going to head to bed, soon, rather than stay up for the sake of attempting another 1400 words. Even if I could write the chapter with my eyes closed, I don't fancy sitting here doing so. I like to know what to write based on what I've already written, trying to achieve a bit of a balance between narrative and dialogue, and that's difficult when I can't re-read everything I've written, on account of my eyes being closed.

First world problems?

Anyway, tomorrow will be different, I think. I'll at least have a regular Sunday. I can wake up earlier than usual if I go to bed soonish, and that should give me time to write some of the catch up, and get me back on track to finish - hopefully - by Tuesday.

As it stands, I'm at 10712 words on Camp NaNoWriMo, and about 5,000 words over that in the book. It's reached it's minimum length to be considered a novella, and of course I still have a couple more chapters to go. Doing the maths in the my head, if I catch up over the next couple of days on top of my regular 2,000 words per day, the first draft will be finished by my schedule.

This leaves me with 22 days to write both of the other books. Sharing 44,000 words between them, I think I'll be reaching for more than 62,000 words overall in the month to ensure all three novellas are completed. (I've also got the little extras to throw in at the end of each, and should begin paying some attention to that, I think.)

Anyway, there's my excuse for not writing much today. I think resting eyes that are tired to the point of being sore is probably a good call, though. I'll still bring a cup of tea to bed.

Day 3: Brain Stew Has Been Served

Today's writing was hindered by my need for an income; I worked from nine in the morning until six in the evening. It wasn't actually that bad. A little bit boring. The only thing I disliked about it was having to get up early, and then having to walk home. By the time I was finished my dinner, most of the day was already over. That doesn't lend itself well to writing.

In fact, by the time I was half-way home, I had a headache. I blame the heat. That headache didn't go away fully, to which I can attribute some degree to exhaustion. Or something. Words are now refusing to work for me, after writing 2,200 of them for today's writing session. Brain Stew or not, I worked away on the book.

I focused entirely on one chapter, bringing me up to the 'half-way' point, in terms of chapters. Whether it's half-way through the word count, I won't actually know until I'm closer to the end of the book. That word count by the way... over 11,000.

Can I just say now, deciding to write 2,000 words per day was probably one of my better ideas. Just as it is with New Year's Resolutions, the specificity of writing goals is crucial to actually achieving them. Having an overall goal in mind is even greater, too. While I could have told myself to write 60,000 words in a month, that was giving me permission to relax on some days.

But here's the thing: relaxing doesn't usually bode well for me. Also, that implies the writing is work. Yes, it might take some effort to actually sit down at my desk for a few hours, concentrating on the story, but that doesn't mean it isn't fun. Writing has always been enjoyable for me. Taking a day off from it doesn't do me any good. It's like asking me to stop drinking tea. It's too much a part of my day, too important an aspect of my life, to simply give up.

Even with a melted brain and exhaustion setting in, I can't not write something.

There's also the case that I've been wanting to write a lot every day, for a long time. I'd wanted to do it in June, too, but I allowed myself to get lazy. That was the biggest problem I began to face in May, during the exam season, because I wouldn't let myself write without studying, and I was so sick of studying that I couldn't focus on it a lot of the time. The end result was that I did no work. By June, that had made me adverse to working. I eased myself back into it by writing on my blog every day, and writing poems every day, but this is the real test of my ability.

It comes down to one piece of advice I've heard over and over again: to become a truly great writer, you have to write every day. It's not enough to just read about writing. It's not enough to just think about it. You have to write every day, and you it's even better if you write a certain amount every day. Some write ten pages. Others just one. I'm aiming for 2,000 words per day as a minimum, and I hope that one of these days - maybe Friday - I can double it.

Writing every day despite Brain Stew is one of the most important things to take away from NaNoWriMo. Reaching towards a defined goal is up there, too. It's only day three of Camp NaNoWriMo, but I think I'm getting into the swing of things, now. Tomorrow, it's FUFDay. I'm not sure how that'll work in Camp-style, but we'll see. Maybe I'll do something ridiculous like announce the release date for this book and really pile the pressure on.

Unexpectedly Exhausted - Have Some Tea!

In work, I half-complained about being tired and hungry. By the time I arrived home, I was exhausted. I went to bed with a glass of water, hoping to feel better by dinner time. Two hours later: nope. I might have even felt worse. I'm light-headed, and really not in a position to use words. With that in mind, and needing to post something tonight, have some tea!

*cue Instagramafied pictures*

This first image takes me back to college. While it's not been a long time since I was in the building (I was there on Wednesday), it's been a month since I was there because I had to be (as opposed to just showing up to get my results a day earlier than if they'd been sent in the post.) Despite the No Food or Drink in the lecture room rules, I still brought a cup of tea in like this every day. It wasn't environmentally friendly, I'll admit, but a flash would have been too obvious.

Kermit the Frog makes a regular appearance. Who can say no to that face? I can't. Hence why I bought the mug in the first place in the Disney Store. Corporate greed aside, I love that place, and when The Muppets had been in the cinema, I couldn't help but grab the mug. I only wish I had the four other cups in the set, featuring Fozzie Bear, Animal, Miss Piggy and Gonzo the Great. They do have just aren't the same.

The Disney debut in my collection was actually Dopey. I remember as a child staying in my cousin's house over night. I must have only been three or four. She didn't have much that would have been suitable for myself and my twin brother, but she did have Disney films (on VHS!). She stuck on Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, and when I saw the Dopey mug on the opening day of the Disney Store (back when the Queen visited Ireland, I believe), I couldn't help myself.

This one time, when I was Tower Records, I saw a flask. A Star Wars flask. My childhood screamed at me. My need for a flask screamed at me. I bought it immediately. Isn't it cool?

This final cup - though I think it's actually without tea at the time of the photograph - was actually a present from a friend on my birthday. I don't normally like things that have my name all over them, but I do enjoy this cup. It's all about how great people named Paul are, so what's not to love?

That's about all the tea Instagram has seen from me. So far. I still have at least half a dozen cups that haven't made it online yet, but that'll all change some day. In the meantime, I'm going to take things easy and hope the feeling of being light-headed goes away soon. And, you know, I'll have a cup of tea.

Sleep Malfunction

Last night, I was at a party. Weird, right? I don't often go to parties. I don't often write about going to them much, anymore, either. The only reason I'm mentioning it at all is that I finally went to sleep at three in the morning.

When I woke up at six and needed to use the bathroom, I knew I was in trouble.

I don't get back to sleep easily after I've woken up, especially not if I have to get out of bed for whatever reason. As a result, I've been surviving on three hours' sleep all day. I eventually forced myself out of bed a second time to get tea, when I realised I wasn't going to fall back asleep again, and if I did I'd have trouble getting up.

So that sucked.

When that cup of tea was empty, breakfast was all but ready. I had another cup of tea with it, which helped. Post-shower, I grabbed a third cup. Don't judge me.

Work on a Sunday isn't actually that bad, but being tired while being there certainly makes it more painful than it ought to be. It's just a bookshop, dammit. Still, at lunch I grabbed another cup of tea. Yep, I'm an addict.

I can't remember getting another cup when I came in. I don't think I did. I had dinner, then went up to my bedroom for a while. Lying on my bed, I fell asleep for about half an hour. I am not a napping person. At all. I feel groggy afterwards. I couldn't use my elbows or knees properly. I felt weak. I had more tea.

When I eventually became too tired to keep reading The Hobbit (it's my first time...and my brain keeps noticing things and then trying to remember what happened in the first film...and trying to make sense of the events of the films being out of sync with how they appear in the book...and that's tiring!), I decided it was time to write this blog post. That's a natural response, right?

Except my brain wasn't working. I was going to write about something else, before realising a couple of sentences in that I didn't want to talk about it, and that left me stumped. Hence: the tea jokes.

Speaking of... I think it's time for another cup. I'm not going to say I'm an addict (because I don't know if you can actually become addicted to tea, and I don't want to make light of addiction), but there must be a reason I drink so much tea, and take so many pictures of me drinking tea. It might have something to do with the fact that college and exams and teaching placement for four years don't loan themselves well to sleeping properly. It might be that the tea is part of the reason I don't sleep properly all the time.

All I know is, I'm getting more tea, and I'm leaving you with Kermit.

This Brain is on Hiatus

I had meant to write about my experience in Belfast today. However, having only gotten home and in bed with time for tea to be made, I don't quite have the energy. We awoke at 5.30 in the morning, to arrive by 10-ish.

However, at 1am, this was how I looked:

(I'm not even sure where that's appearing in the post as I write it...I'll fix it tomorrow when I'm using my laptop. Update: yep, that was in the wrong place. But it's fixed now. And no long gigantic.)

Basically, I'm too exhausted now and up too early for work to say much about today. Tomorrow, if I get my hands on the photo, you'll at least get to see me lording over Westeros in the Iron Throne.

Long Hours

Finding the time to write this has been quite difficult. I'm at that point in teaching placement where I had to have a ton of work done to submit online by 5pm today, which meant any work I might have done in the staffroom was all for that, and not specifically for tomorrow's lessons.

The problem? Motivating myself to work after a long day in the school is difficult, especially when tired, and especially when I know the work I do will not be appreciated by the pupils. They are beginning to realise, however, that I'm a student teacher, with a couple of shocked faces at the revelation of the amount of work I have to do for each lesson.

Still, these long hours are killing me slowly, whether the students notice I'm doing a lot of work in advance for them or not.

I'd love a chance to sit down and not have to worry about the next lesson I'm going to teach. While I'm in the school, I will be open to inspection at pretty much any time, so every lesson is met with a bag of nerves bashing about the place. And two bags with ridiculous folders in them, too, with all my lesson plans and resources.

Oh yeah...

I know these long hours are part and process of becoming a teacher. That doesn't mean I have to like them. The meticulous lesson planning, the resource gathering, the staying up late to do it all and waking up early to get to the school in time to teach it all is draining me quickly.

If last year, and the year before that, are anything to go by, I'll be sick by the end of the final week, when the last inspection is done and the last class taught and my body thinks it's time to settle down and relax and BAM - a kick in the immune system, because I'm not under high pressure to not get sick anymore.

Seriously, happened last year when the placement was less stressful.

This is my big worry about placement, actually, that I might get sick before its over. I know there's only so much stress and lack of sleep I can take before it starts to come through. There's no denying that this is a tough job, and the inspections don't help.

If people thought the emphasis placed on a single exam in the Leaving Cert was bad, then they have no idea. A single forty minute lesson could decide my whole future, theoretically, and even if I did everything right things could still go wrong, because I can't control what every single pupil decides to do at any given moment in the lesson. They're not robots, they can't be programmed, and they can't be expected to sit there in silence as the Dream Team of students to teach while the examiner is present. No class can achieve that, though some really do try.

The point is, I'm tired. I'm going to get less than seven hour's sleep, and writing this had nothing to do with that, because I had resources printing while I was writing.

It's a thankless job, with no salary at the end of the placement, and I'm fairly sure that it makes teaching look like the worst job in the world, even though I love being in the classroom. It's just the extra hours up until midnight and the lesson plans and resources required that I don't like. Mainly because (and I can't say this enough) I'm tired as heck.

On the bright side, I'm managing to write something every day this year regardless. And maybe, maybe, I'll get to get ahead of myself tomorrow. That'd be something.

The Adventure Begins Tomorrow

By my laptop's clock, it's 21:28. I'm tired, it's not even late... though I haven't had tea in hours. That might explain it.

Tomorrow, the adventure that is Balor Reborn begins. I'm nervous. I'm excited. But I'm ready. I have a kettle in my room, a supply of biscuits and water, and the plan of the book. My room is clean, my chair is comfortable, and I have warm-up techniques in place.

I still get to be scared, though. I'm reserving that one.

Today, I wrote a lot of Haiku. You can find them on Google+, Twitter, or Facebook. I won't bother you with them here. However, they proved to me what I needed to know:

1) I can use them to get words going through my head and,
2) I can write on command when I need to.

Obviously there's a very specific requirement for Haiku, but that doesn't mean they didn't help. They helped to entertain, too. People found some enjoyment in them, and it meant that I felt like I was actually doing something today. See, I was concerned about that. I didn't want to do something that would so obviously exhaust me the day before I set out to write. While I may be tired right now, that's from everything today building up.

I'm hoping I'll be fine. I'll be reading over my plan tonight, and getting the webcam all set up for tomorrow. Then it's simply a matter of trying to sleep. My friends have been incredibly supportive, so that has helped.

Okay, I need to get away from the laptop. Long day ahead of me tomorrow.

Get Out of Bed!

For the past three weeks, at the very least, I've been struggling to get out of bed in the morning. This comes as a result of the combination of late-night and early-morning, though most of the time I can't help either of those. Rarely have I stayed up late intentionally, and even more rarely have I wanted or needed to wake up especially early. It just happens.

While I wouldn't mind so much except that I have an inability to fall back asleep once I wake up in the morning, I tend not to do anything. Even when I've had a good sleep - not a common occurrence - I have this difficulty to get out of bed because I'll be comfortable, even if I know I have to do work. Or worse: go somewhere. I think I've only ever gotten out of bed for something that wasn't work or exams over the past three weeks for one person, and that was because I would be late for a much-needed catching-up session I had been hassling about. Other than that, I've been getting out of bed, wasting the morning still exhausted and entirely useless, when I could have been doing something with the day.

And that's the big thing: doing something. I've found that while getting out of bed for exams is difficult and annoying, it comes with the purpose I need to get ready for the day. So I need to just find something to do every day. Right?

This is, of course, much harder with exam season attacking me from every direction. I find that while I want to do something creative, the exams hinder my ability to do so. I feel a sense of guilt for not doing college work, and when I aim to begin I find myself inundated with a sense of procrastination. The time I need to study is wasted, and I don't accomplish anything.

Bummer, right?

This summer, I aim to change all that. If it means setting myself a task for the day, like four thousand words of a novel or a scene of a play or researching something to do with writing (I've been getting my books ready for that one!) then I will. I'll get out of bed to do something like that, because it's something I want to do.

I suppose I can't wait for the last week of exams just to have a week of getting up with intent. Sure, it will be exhausting, it will be annoying, but at least something will be done. Then I'll be busy writing away for three months.

I have a project I'll be undertaking, the details of which will come as soon as I'm ready to make them public. It'll be fun. It'll last a while. And it'll get me out of bed.

I guess I just don't want to waste my summer when I could be doing a trial-run for what could be the rest of my life. That would be weird, wouldn't it?