The Constant Struggle

I find my days are becoming something of a danger to my mind; one Friday, I was in very obvious shock at having lost my job, almost voicelessness by the time I went to bed. Saturday, following the email from Darren Shan, I'd been elated. That carried on until Sunday, but the past two days, I've wasted my time on games rather than on writing, and my mood has dropped right down again. I keep realising the fact that I have no job to go to this weekend, and then there's all my college work mounting up, the drama competition in just over a week, and before I know it I'm into my teaching practice, then my exams.

In the next three months, everything big in the college year is about to hit me all at once. And I still don't know if I'm going to the ball. I would have liked to have the decision made before I lost my job so I'd have no going back, but now the cost of the tickets and the clothes I'd have to get is just frightening. I know I don't have bills to pay, but I'd like to that, if I can't get a job, I'd at least have some way to continue to fund my social life, with both college friends and secondary school friends. And there's all the birthdays...

I've got five coming up in April. While Karl doesn't expect, and actually argues against, gifts, I still don't feel right not getting him anything. And the others... well, my dad and my older brother have to get a present, no doubt, and it's actually the latter's twenty-first... bugger. I wanted to be able to treat him properly at this time, not keep an eye on the money in my account when picking out what to get him. Then there's Sam and Sophie... I haven't seen Sam in months! Literally months. I've no idea what to get either of them.

And then add on the Poetry Against Cancer book... I'm looking forward to it, yes, but it's going to take a lot of time and energy to get this thing promoted.

Meanwhile, my reading for my tutorial tomorrow still isn't done, and I really can't concentrate on it. And I've got to think about something for my liturgy lecture tomorrow... I can feel a headache coming on just thinking about it.

To make matters worse, and I didn't think that after losing my job things could get worse, Jonny Havron has gone missing. For those of you who don't know, Jonny's a member of the Literary Den. He was, in fact, one of the earlier members. We all got to know him very well. But he hasn't been seen since Friday night. Andy texted me yesterday about it, but I never got around to blogging about it. Andy blogged about it, with details such as news articles and the number to call if you have any info. I urge you, if you know anything to help, please get in touch with the appropriate authorities.

Okay, I'm spent. Too much crap going on to write anymore. If reading this has brought you down, then I'm sorry. It's not my aim to get to people like that, only to vent so that I might feel better by the time I'm done... I kind of do, since it means I've actually written something today. It's not just consolation, though...