Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Pandora's Box Part 2

In which I feel rubbish. I'm not sick, technically. I just... I don't know. The best way to describe it is to say I feel unexplainably sorry for myself. I mean, I have nothing in my life at the moment to make me feel this way. I'm writing again, I'm seeing friends again, I'm having a good time with my life, mostly. And yet... I feel like rubbish.

The hollow empty feeling of Pandora's Box when the badness has gone out. It's not gotten to the stage of relying only on hope. Hope, that fickle bitch that's been so evasive in recent weeks, when I really did feel like I couldn't keep going on. It wasn't hope that kept me going, it was my friends. So... so what the hell is going on? I had a great day yesterday hanging out with Miley Cyrus. I continued to text her today. There was absolutely nothing with yesterday, except we never got a picture together, only of each other.

It's possible I'm feeling thsi way because of physical things; I didn't get an awful lot of sleep these past few nights, and I'm awfully hungry. I'm not tired. That's not it. Well, I am tired... but not in the way that I want to go to bed. More like I just want to... hmm, odd. Tired in the way that I want to go to the park and go for a walk. And hungry in the way that I want my dinner to be ready now, not in twenty minutes.

I'm supposed to be going out tonight. I'm supposed to go out and have a good time, or at least pretend to, so my cousin can celebrate turning 20. I'm really not up for it. That sounds terrible, but the way I'm feeling right now... I just don't think I can even fake having a good time. I can see it now - my two other cousins getting drunk, because they have every right to drink - and me being stuck there practically alone.

This is why I hate family gatherings. They're great when I can literally just sit there and talk to someone who isn't getting drunk, but other than that I don't actually enjoy the nights. I don't drink and I don't mix with people too well on a night out unless I already know them. I don't know my cousin's friends. Okay, I know one of them. And he might not even be there. This leaves me not really knowing anyone.


And now I'm talking myself out of going. I'm a bad person. I can feel bad about that. I can feel bad about it, and I'll probably still want to text ahead and say I won't be going because I'm not up for it (which is true) or I'm too tired (a bit true) or I really can't afford it (true, also, if I want to still have money in my account - I don't make an awful lot of money).

I'm a bad cousin...

Why can't someone make my decisions for me? Agh!

*insert confused and angry face here*

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